Next week, I travel to Bruxelles to meet with our contact from EU headquarters regarding our grant application. Herr Dr. Prof. Graeser, Bernhard, and I will travel there, along with several other partners from all about our group. This is a formal introduction to the EU contact and a pre-negotiation pending our larger, more formal second negotiation in March. I spent the last couple days working on my talk, and will spend the next week preparing. I asked several people who went to these things what to expect. Here it is:
I give my talk.
EU contact: Thank you! So, how about you do all the work in this grant proposal, plus more, with less money?
Us: No.
EU contact: Well, how about just the less money part?
Us: No.
EU contact: Hm. I can't help but notice one of the partners isn't here ... perhaps we could cut him out?
Us: No.
EU contact: I notice that partner X, sitting here, doesn't speak English so well. Maybe we could marginally pare his fee?
Partner X: Que?
EU contact: I said, would you like some coffee?
Partner X: No.
Us: No.
EU contact: Let's work together to find some little part that is not so important.
Us: It is all important.
EU contact: How about not testing your software?
Us: No.
EU contact: Do you really need electrode caps?
Us: Yes.
EU contact: How about communicating with each other less?
Us: No.
(4 hours later)
Us: You see? It is all important.
EU contact: Herr Doktor Professor Graeser, members of the consortium, thank you very much for joining us here in Bruxelles. This concludes the first phase of our negotiations. We look forward to hosting you again in March!
That was fun, but here is other buzz.
In addition to funding us, the EU wisely decided to fund the huge proposal headed by all the powerhouses in Europe, plus one other BCI proposal. This is particularly well timed since it can feed on the decline of the American scientific infrastructure. The Dutch, Germans, and others are also funding BCI work more aggressively. This will create BCI research boom in Europe. There will probably be some overarching affiliation among the three funded projects, headed by the biggest, which is fine with me.
So the trip to Bruxelles should be fun and educational. It is one major European capital I have never seen. I leave the morning of the 25th, and then meet my cousin John to goof off for a couple days.
Two weeks ago, Mr. Landlord decided to move a bunch of junk out of the laundry room and paint and tile it. This was a good long term move. Telling me a priori would have been nice, as a side effect was that the room was off limits for 2 weeks while inept construction workers trudged intermittently. But, yesterday, the laundry room and thus machine were available! After 2 loads of laundry, then hanging it up on those fucking outdated clotheslines, I started eyeing the broken dryer on the other side of the room. It had been on its side, covered in wood, and buckets of paint, and drywall, and junk, with a big broken sign on it. Mr. Landlord had explained that it was broken, in case I didn't understand the sign in English and German, and now that I thought about it that was a bit suspicious. And he had lied to me before. And was obsessed with saving energy, and bitched at me about how much dryers cost. Hm. Hm. Hmmmm. Now it was only on its side, covered with a broken sign and admonition from Mr. Dishonest Landlord. Soon, it was right side up, plugged in, with a gym towel and two old socks volunteering their unscorched souls as test subjects. In the absolute worst case, I figured, my landlord had understated the danger, and I would die. But in a reasonable worst case, I would not damage it more or start a fire with me standing there. 2 minutes later. No smoke. No sign of the upstairs roomie nor Mr. Landlord - who, for added fun, lives upstairs of upstairs roomie. 2 more minutes. Clothes seem warm, pretty wet. 30 minutes later. Clothes perfect. 31 minutes later: half of clohtes off of clotheslines and tumblin away. I just have to remember to only dry clothes in the middle of the night, and otherwise leave the dryer unplugged and on its side. This is much more fun than a regular dryer, or landlord.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Eurodining IV
How do the Germans do it? How do they fend off the winter depression that follows cold rain like more cold rain? Quite aggressively. Bremen has a huge Christmas market every day, with an ongoing carnival in the city center and lesser festivities throughout town. The city center has a little ferris wheel, 2 carousels, stages for little plays (guess which fairy tale they keep re-enacting), dozens of booths selling food, trinkets, clothes, and of course gluehwein. The gluehwein is the dominant feature; in addition to the many booths that sell gluehwein, and its variants, most booths that sell other things also sell gluehwein. I saw a cigar stand, cheese stand, and mittens-and-hats stand that each sold it. And why not? The Germans buy gluehwein everywhere.
Gluehwein. I had never heard of it before, yet gluehwein is the, um, sticky stuff that holds German society together through the long winters. Gluehwein is made by boiling red wine, then adding sugar and spices. At first, this struck me as way too sweet. But after trying some more of it, and after being cold and wet, and then trying some more of it, I suddenly realized it is quite good. There is a variant called feuerzangenbowle that is less-sweet gluehwein with rum, cooked in a huge copper kettle. Mmmmmm. At the booths, there are little tables without chairs where people mull and laugh and sip their gluehwein. Germans of all ages are there, unselfconscious as usual about being publicly drunk, 70 year old men laughing loudly at the same table as kids who had to be ditching high school.
Food booths are also busy, mostly selling crepes, pastries, grilled sausages and pig steaks, French fries or fried sliced potatoes with various toppings, and kartoffelpuffers. The latter is basically a latke. Mash some potatoes, maybe add some onion or thickening agent, shape like a cow patty, deep fry, and serve with applesauce. Good, and warm, and easy to eat. Not too healthy, but neither is gluehwein. Which the food booths also sell, of course.
Another new facet of my eurodining life is Mexican food. I returned from America last month with a bag full of refried beans, Tabasco, tortillas, three kinds of enchilada sauce, taco sauce, cotija cheese, and a bag of proper tortilla chips. My first weekend back, I was invited to Bernhard’s home to cook for him, his family, and some neighbors. They seemed quite delighted. Last week, I cooked carne asada for my friends Ola and Jonna. 2 days ago, I cooked for my landlord and his family, and they were quite pleased. Although there are Mexican food restaurants in Bremen, the Germans, with their poor judgement, seem to think that I can cook considerably better. So this is kinda fun. Even a simple quesadilla is exotic out here. Carne asada, which is simply marinated meat, is all the rage. I made guacamole and salsa and they didn’t know what to do with it, and were thoroughly confused by the refried beans, arguing briefly that they were not in fact beans because they did not resemble beans. I had to show them how to open a tortilla, fill it with these goodies and lettuce, tomato, cheese, etc, and roll it up. Actually that was very fun.
My grand plan to get a piñata out here has failed so far, though. That is a goal someday - after returning from the US (which will next occur in April), bring back enough gear, and a pinata, to support a large outdoor feast for 30-40 people in my lab. Grill pollo asado, carne asada, some cebollitas, make big bowls of guac and salsa, and serve with cotija cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, pico de gallo, onion and cilantro garnish, etc. I am making myself hungry, and hence am off to get some nice Swabisch food here in lovely Tuebingen.
Gluehwein. I had never heard of it before, yet gluehwein is the, um, sticky stuff that holds German society together through the long winters. Gluehwein is made by boiling red wine, then adding sugar and spices. At first, this struck me as way too sweet. But after trying some more of it, and after being cold and wet, and then trying some more of it, I suddenly realized it is quite good. There is a variant called feuerzangenbowle that is less-sweet gluehwein with rum, cooked in a huge copper kettle. Mmmmmm. At the booths, there are little tables without chairs where people mull and laugh and sip their gluehwein. Germans of all ages are there, unselfconscious as usual about being publicly drunk, 70 year old men laughing loudly at the same table as kids who had to be ditching high school.
Food booths are also busy, mostly selling crepes, pastries, grilled sausages and pig steaks, French fries or fried sliced potatoes with various toppings, and kartoffelpuffers. The latter is basically a latke. Mash some potatoes, maybe add some onion or thickening agent, shape like a cow patty, deep fry, and serve with applesauce. Good, and warm, and easy to eat. Not too healthy, but neither is gluehwein. Which the food booths also sell, of course.
Another new facet of my eurodining life is Mexican food. I returned from America last month with a bag full of refried beans, Tabasco, tortillas, three kinds of enchilada sauce, taco sauce, cotija cheese, and a bag of proper tortilla chips. My first weekend back, I was invited to Bernhard’s home to cook for him, his family, and some neighbors. They seemed quite delighted. Last week, I cooked carne asada for my friends Ola and Jonna. 2 days ago, I cooked for my landlord and his family, and they were quite pleased. Although there are Mexican food restaurants in Bremen, the Germans, with their poor judgement, seem to think that I can cook considerably better. So this is kinda fun. Even a simple quesadilla is exotic out here. Carne asada, which is simply marinated meat, is all the rage. I made guacamole and salsa and they didn’t know what to do with it, and were thoroughly confused by the refried beans, arguing briefly that they were not in fact beans because they did not resemble beans. I had to show them how to open a tortilla, fill it with these goodies and lettuce, tomato, cheese, etc, and roll it up. Actually that was very fun.
My grand plan to get a piñata out here has failed so far, though. That is a goal someday - after returning from the US (which will next occur in April), bring back enough gear, and a pinata, to support a large outdoor feast for 30-40 people in my lab. Grill pollo asado, carne asada, some cebollitas, make big bowls of guac and salsa, and serve with cotija cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, pico de gallo, onion and cilantro garnish, etc. I am making myself hungry, and hence am off to get some nice Swabisch food here in lovely Tuebingen.
The root of all evil
In an ironic follow up to my last blog entry, I have news to report from my professional writing career. On Oct 9, I submitted a 125 page grant application that was my biggest writing adventure since my thesis. The 10 days preceding its submission were among the busiest I can recall, featuring 4 all nighters. All this for a generally futile effort, since there were over 40 proposals submitted for the same pool of grant money, including one from a consortium of 15 of the best BCI labs in Europe.
It was thus with some surprise that we found out last week that my first grant earned a score of 14.5 out of 15, a legendary score, and is ranked first among all proposals. Neither my boss nor several veteran euro grantwriters even heard of such a high score; a 12 is considered quite good. Hence I will oversee a 3 year, €4.1M BCI research project featuring Bremen, Philips and another company in Holland, Telefonica in Spain, a university in Warsaw, and 2 entities in Ulster. Travel to these places will occur, and I will finally have some flexibility and resources to do the work I want. Not much, but enough to produce some good work and position myself to get more.
Now I am on a train to Regensburg, in southern Germany, to goof off for the weekend before meeting with Prof. Dr. Niels Birbaumer in Tuebingen next week. This trip was planned for months, with the goal of discussing a new grant proposal, and I do not know if Niels knows how well I did with my last proposal. So it should be a fun visit. I know how his proposal did (it was ranked eighth), so it is likely he knows that we got first. This puts me in a great negotiating position for discussing the next grant. Actually, nailing the grant proposal puts me in a great negotiating position in many other ways, with many other entities, but for now I am focusing on executing this grant.
The train ride, and indeed Germany in general, is decidedly less pleasant than before. Winter has covered the land like a thick dark blanket soaked in cold pee. Bremen’s reputation for lousy weather now makes sense to me. It is consistently cold, cloudy, wet, and gloomy, and the fact that the average day is literally seven hours long does not help. When you sleep in until 8 AM, and it’s still dark outside, plus cold and wet, you can’t help but be affected. Hence gluehwein and the Bremen Christmas market, which merits its own blog entry.
It was thus with some surprise that we found out last week that my first grant earned a score of 14.5 out of 15, a legendary score, and is ranked first among all proposals. Neither my boss nor several veteran euro grantwriters even heard of such a high score; a 12 is considered quite good. Hence I will oversee a 3 year, €4.1M BCI research project featuring Bremen, Philips and another company in Holland, Telefonica in Spain, a university in Warsaw, and 2 entities in Ulster. Travel to these places will occur, and I will finally have some flexibility and resources to do the work I want. Not much, but enough to produce some good work and position myself to get more.
Now I am on a train to Regensburg, in southern Germany, to goof off for the weekend before meeting with Prof. Dr. Niels Birbaumer in Tuebingen next week. This trip was planned for months, with the goal of discussing a new grant proposal, and I do not know if Niels knows how well I did with my last proposal. So it should be a fun visit. I know how his proposal did (it was ranked eighth), so it is likely he knows that we got first. This puts me in a great negotiating position for discussing the next grant. Actually, nailing the grant proposal puts me in a great negotiating position in many other ways, with many other entities, but for now I am focusing on executing this grant.
The train ride, and indeed Germany in general, is decidedly less pleasant than before. Winter has covered the land like a thick dark blanket soaked in cold pee. Bremen’s reputation for lousy weather now makes sense to me. It is consistently cold, cloudy, wet, and gloomy, and the fact that the average day is literally seven hours long does not help. When you sleep in until 8 AM, and it’s still dark outside, plus cold and wet, you can’t help but be affected. Hence gluehwein and the Bremen Christmas market, which merits its own blog entry.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
The Blow Must Go On!
I spent the last couple days in Manhattan, a city known for – among many other things – Broadway. I then learned of the stagehands’ strike, meaning that you’re stuck with off – Broadway shows. There were some interesting titles, like Die Mommie Die or I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change. I ended up seeing Frankenstein, keeping up on the mad scientist theme, and quickly realized how they handled the stagehands strike. At no point in the entire musical did anything on the stage change. Hm. OK. The off – Broadway stagehands weren’t even on strike, either, evidently they just couldn’t think of any way to change the stage. Clever lighting and projection made up for some of it, but stagehands matter. Everyone there matters. Hence the below.
The Blow Must Go On!
Inspired by the ongoing Hollywood writers’ strike, and the Broadway stagehands’ strike, beleaguered producers declared that they, too, will go on strike until they get more money, respect, and better working conditions. Demands included upgraded private jets, the right to beat caddies, free vials of virgin actress tears, and the immediate release and reinstatement of Heidi Fleiss.
Mel Brooks, producer of The Greedy Producers and the upcoming Young Frankenstein the Greedy Jew, tried to explain. “We only want what’s fair. If we pay the stagehands, and writers, and the piss-boys, I mean janitors, and those elevator fixer guys, and all these other little people, what would be left for us? It’s good to be the king. You wanna go see this off – Broadway schlock like Die Mommie Die or I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change? Feh! I have plans for two new and totally original musicals, called Go Fuck Yourself, Grampa and Ethel’s Husband Tried Cialis.”
Charlie Sheen, producer of Two and a Half Men, agreed. “People don’t understand producers, our special circumstances and needs. Like, I don’t think people appreciate how important coke really is in Hollywood production. I give more lines to celebrities than any writer ever could. Just last week, I was trying to get things moving with this actress for our show. I was going through the usual casting routine, and the little bitch kept saying she was married. Took nine lines of Columbian table wine before she finally went into V fib and I could finish the deal. But then it all worked out, I nailed, I mean, she nailed the role. Ya got no show without no blow. Sometimes we go through a few grams just to wake up in time for morning cappuccino.” When Sheen was told that this was enough cocaine to kill anyone but a severe addict, he laughed, winked, paused, then began to cry.
George Lucas added, “We don’t really need writers. In The Empire Strikes Back, I paid Lawrence Kasdan to help write the screenplay. Cost me thousands. In the first two Star Wars movies, I wrote near everything myself. Jar Jar, the dialog between Anakin and Padme, all me. Did anyone complain? What? Well, fuck you. People will still come to movies with lines that flop off the tongue like, um, like….”
“Kitty’s last hairball?” commented a nearby striking writer.
“Methuslah’s drool?” replied another.
“Fast acting poison!” said a third.
“Sloth vomit!”
“A narcoleptic diver!”
“Woody Allen’s condom!”
“The American dollar!”
“What the fuck are you doing?!” shrieked the fattest. “We’re on strike! No more writing!”
“Yeah! We should get paid for this!”
”But what about the pure fun of writing?”
“What?! No, no, no!! If there’s one thing any good writer hates, it’s amateurs! No more writing. Stop. Now.”
The Blow Must Go On!
Inspired by the ongoing Hollywood writers’ strike, and the Broadway stagehands’ strike, beleaguered producers declared that they, too, will go on strike until they get more money, respect, and better working conditions. Demands included upgraded private jets, the right to beat caddies, free vials of virgin actress tears, and the immediate release and reinstatement of Heidi Fleiss.
Mel Brooks, producer of The Greedy Producers and the upcoming Young Frankenstein the Greedy Jew, tried to explain. “We only want what’s fair. If we pay the stagehands, and writers, and the piss-boys, I mean janitors, and those elevator fixer guys, and all these other little people, what would be left for us? It’s good to be the king. You wanna go see this off – Broadway schlock like Die Mommie Die or I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change? Feh! I have plans for two new and totally original musicals, called Go Fuck Yourself, Grampa and Ethel’s Husband Tried Cialis.”
Charlie Sheen, producer of Two and a Half Men, agreed. “People don’t understand producers, our special circumstances and needs. Like, I don’t think people appreciate how important coke really is in Hollywood production. I give more lines to celebrities than any writer ever could. Just last week, I was trying to get things moving with this actress for our show. I was going through the usual casting routine, and the little bitch kept saying she was married. Took nine lines of Columbian table wine before she finally went into V fib and I could finish the deal. But then it all worked out, I nailed, I mean, she nailed the role. Ya got no show without no blow. Sometimes we go through a few grams just to wake up in time for morning cappuccino.” When Sheen was told that this was enough cocaine to kill anyone but a severe addict, he laughed, winked, paused, then began to cry.
George Lucas added, “We don’t really need writers. In The Empire Strikes Back, I paid Lawrence Kasdan to help write the screenplay. Cost me thousands. In the first two Star Wars movies, I wrote near everything myself. Jar Jar, the dialog between Anakin and Padme, all me. Did anyone complain? What? Well, fuck you. People will still come to movies with lines that flop off the tongue like, um, like….”
“Kitty’s last hairball?” commented a nearby striking writer.
“Methuslah’s drool?” replied another.
“Fast acting poison!” said a third.
“Sloth vomit!”
“A narcoleptic diver!”
“Woody Allen’s condom!”
“The American dollar!”
“What the fuck are you doing?!” shrieked the fattest. “We’re on strike! No more writing!”
“Yeah! We should get paid for this!”
”But what about the pure fun of writing?”
“What?! No, no, no!! If there’s one thing any good writer hates, it’s amateurs! No more writing. Stop. Now.”
Sunday, November 11, 2007
San Diego burning bright
Almost a month since my last post. After the grant fracas, I visited some old American friends in Munich and then Salzburg. We hit the legendary HofBrauHaus in Munich, which was great fun, though we noted that most people there seemed to have the exact same accent we did. In the Englisch Gardens, we had a beer and crispy blob of deep fried pig fat (schweinhaxe) at an outdoor pavilion. I gotta relay an exchange that Sam and I overheard from someone ordering at the beer counter.
(jackass speaking English): Can I get a glass of water?
(answer in heavily accented English): The river is over there!
On Sunday the 21st I flew from Bremen to San Diego. My last flight was from Denver to San Diego. I was trying to sleep and kept getting interrupted with stupid annoucements about the Red Sox game or our location or other uninformative trivialities. Good evening from the captian and your Boston - based flight crew this evening. We have now leveled out at 31,000 feet. We have a clear flight to San Diego, so I'll turn off the seat belt sign, and you're welcome to move about the cabin.
(you turned it off five minutes ago, and there are three people waiting in front of the midgalley lavatory.)
Weather there is about 68 degrees this evening, no chance of rain.
(duh. Lemme sleep!)
We hope you enjoy the view of the Rocky Mountains below us. We're expecting an on - time arrival in San Diego this evening. And the Sox just scored!
(OK, I want a fucking volume control on announcements from the captain.)
And on either side of the plane, you can see a lot of things, or could if it weren't dark. And now we're starting our initial descent. The Sox just got a double! One of them scratched his nads! And now you can see some the fires on the left.
(hmmpf? snort? pah. must have misheard. back to sleep.)
It's 3-2, Sox, middle of the fifth! Off to the left you can see Mexico.
(Of course you can, shut up!)
We might have a slight delay because of the fires, but we should arrive on time. And the Sox ...
I heard none of this, since I bothered to open an eye after the first clause. That was the first I learned of the fires. I was in SD until Nov 7, when I had to give a talk for the Society for Neuroscience conference. There was never any real threat to my family or home, but it was still intense for the first week. My mom and I drove up Interstate 15 on the 28th and it was an unholy tangle of writhing black skeletons. Smoke hung in the valleys, puffy choking wraiths spawned from the gaping gash of my homeland. Each hill was respite, and then you had to plunge through mustard gas again. The air was bad enough that we had to turn around and go home, grateful we had one.
I edited out a lot of further commentary about the fires, although I enjoyed writing some of it. Poetic whining is still whining. One funny note. One of the local blogs had an entry titled "Eatin' Good at the Q." Qualcomm Stadium was used as an evacuation center. All the news channels said it was very well stocked, with a slew of volunteers and donated goodies. Somebody - I would guess an SDSU undergrad (and not an evacuee) - worked out that he could get free meals there. He described free BBQ ribs, hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, mexican food, bottled water and soda, etc. Day after day. Now of course this is total bullshit in a time of crisis, and initially made my blood boil like the sap must have on millions of ancient pines. But then I had to laugh. As dad once said, the word "sophomoric" is in the dictionary for a reason.
(jackass speaking English): Can I get a glass of water?
(answer in heavily accented English): The river is over there!
On Sunday the 21st I flew from Bremen to San Diego. My last flight was from Denver to San Diego. I was trying to sleep and kept getting interrupted with stupid annoucements about the Red Sox game or our location or other uninformative trivialities. Good evening from the captian and your Boston - based flight crew this evening. We have now leveled out at 31,000 feet. We have a clear flight to San Diego, so I'll turn off the seat belt sign, and you're welcome to move about the cabin.
(you turned it off five minutes ago, and there are three people waiting in front of the midgalley lavatory.)
Weather there is about 68 degrees this evening, no chance of rain.
(duh. Lemme sleep!)
We hope you enjoy the view of the Rocky Mountains below us. We're expecting an on - time arrival in San Diego this evening. And the Sox just scored!
(OK, I want a fucking volume control on announcements from the captain.)
And on either side of the plane, you can see a lot of things, or could if it weren't dark. And now we're starting our initial descent. The Sox just got a double! One of them scratched his nads! And now you can see some the fires on the left.
(hmmpf? snort? pah. must have misheard. back to sleep.)
It's 3-2, Sox, middle of the fifth! Off to the left you can see Mexico.
(Of course you can, shut up!)
We might have a slight delay because of the fires, but we should arrive on time. And the Sox ...
I heard none of this, since I bothered to open an eye after the first clause. That was the first I learned of the fires. I was in SD until Nov 7, when I had to give a talk for the Society for Neuroscience conference. There was never any real threat to my family or home, but it was still intense for the first week. My mom and I drove up Interstate 15 on the 28th and it was an unholy tangle of writhing black skeletons. Smoke hung in the valleys, puffy choking wraiths spawned from the gaping gash of my homeland. Each hill was respite, and then you had to plunge through mustard gas again. The air was bad enough that we had to turn around and go home, grateful we had one.
I edited out a lot of further commentary about the fires, although I enjoyed writing some of it. Poetic whining is still whining. One funny note. One of the local blogs had an entry titled "Eatin' Good at the Q." Qualcomm Stadium was used as an evacuation center. All the news channels said it was very well stocked, with a slew of volunteers and donated goodies. Somebody - I would guess an SDSU undergrad (and not an evacuee) - worked out that he could get free meals there. He described free BBQ ribs, hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, mexican food, bottled water and soda, etc. Day after day. Now of course this is total bullshit in a time of crisis, and initially made my blood boil like the sap must have on millions of ancient pines. But then I had to laugh. As dad once said, the word "sophomoric" is in the dictionary for a reason.
Friday, October 12, 2007
HOP
Here is the HOP proposal. For added challenge, I not only wrote it up as a grant proposal, I also avoided all use of conventional terms for short,or height, etc. This was because I was annoyed at all the politically correct speech in that proposal I just finished.
Hopping Over People (HOP)
Grant Proposal
Abstract
This proposal describes a novel technique designed to improve human traffic flow in crowded urban settings. Presently, many persons are unable to effectively utilize sidewalks for travel because they are not wide enough. This impedes effective traffic flow, which in turn leads to lost revenue, frustration, anger, and reduced enjoyment of leisure time. In addition, when urban traffic flow is impeded by persons whose toes appear larger to them than most peoples’ own toes, these persons have missed a valuable opportunity to instead interact with normal persons, thus encouraging their inclusion into society. This HOP proposal will create a new mechanism for facilitating urban traffic flow and incorporating these special persons through a simple new concept called the Urban Hop. The Urban Hop is an innovate approach that provides a completely novel means of facilitating flow by replacing the mainstream unidimensional concept of passing – which relies on the overtaxed width dimension of sidewalks – with the multidimensional mobile jump over persons whose unique overall proximity to the ground makes this feasible. While the principal focus will be on human traffic, the ancillary benefit in reducing overall congestion will impact all facets of urban travel. HOP also includes funds to properly promote and disseminate the Urban Hop maneuver to ensure its rapid integration into society.
Impact
The problem of inefficient urban travel plagues far larger target populations than any problem addressed by any other proposal. The US, EU, India, and China each have hundreds of millions of persons who participate in urban travel each day (United Nations General Assembly report 2007-7673). Studies suggest that urban populations will continue to grow, while infrastructural mechanisms to reduce congestion – such as improved roadways, subways, buses, and other mass transit efforts – will not develop at an adequately commensurate rate. Hence, urban congestion is likely to increase through both the short and long term future, further increasing the demand for the Urban Hop.
HOP will strongly impact persons whose noses, when standing, are below the average standing persons’ noses. Advanced statistical modelling has shown that approximately 50% of the population exhibits this characteristic. More details studies have suggested that deviance from this figure is directly proportional to the sample site. That is, while small and freakish groups such as big and tall models, stilt salesmen, Wizard of Oz extras, children, or the Chinese may have populations whose nose altitude differs markedly from the mean, larger and more eclectic populations tend more strongly toward the average. This shocking find has in fact been reported quite a while ago (Galton, 1886).
Vertically challenged persons are already excluded from a wide range of activites, including most track and field events, basketball, heavyweight boxing, amusement park rides, shelves, big-boy bicycles and cars, and yo-yoing. HOP will empower these persons while simultaneously integrating them into a smoother, easier urban traffic infrastructure.
Work plan
HOP consists of four work packages, which are overviewed below.
Work package 1: Initial Urban Hop Development. WP1 will develop the Urban Hop maneuver. This maneuver may occur when two persons are walking toward each other on the sidewalk. One of these persons must be of average or greater pupiltoe distance, while the other person must not. In such a situation, it is currently necessary for one of these persons to step aside, or otherwise be inconvenienced by the other’s desired passage.
HOP creates a new possibility for such situations: the Urban Hop. This proceeds as follows. First, the person who might be capable of an apple picking career should give the hand signal to the person more inclined toward circusry. The right hand is held out, flat, with the palm up and fingers together. The left index finger shall be extended, and the other left fingers balled into a fist, as if in a pointing motion. However, tip of the left finger shall not point to the other Urban Hop member. Instead, it will be placed horizontally in direct contact with the right palm. Next, the initiator shall move his left finger to make an upside down ‘U’ that begins and terminates on the right palm. This motion is meant to convey the concept of jumping over a person. Once this signal is given, the person less concerned with turnstiles may respond with either a thumbs-up or thumbs-down signal.
The proposed hoppee may give the thumbs-down maneuver to decline participation. This may occur for various reasons, including illness, concern for a hat, fear of being accidentally kicked, or pride. If the thumbs-up is given, the two persons shall proceed toward each other at a standard walking pace. Approximately 10 meters before they meet, the hopper will accelerate as deemed necessary to best complete the maneuver. The hopper shall then jump over the hoppee. The hoppee shall duck to create an even smaller vertical profile and thereby facilitate this maneuver. Both persons may then continue walking as before without the need to step aside or suffer other inconvenience.
Work package 1 will further develop and test this maneuver with target subjects in field settings. Appropriate persons will be recruited through emails and flyers. To maximize accessibility to target persons, flyers will be placed only 1 meter above the ground. HOP will use a completely novel approach to subject compensation that will reduce costs significantly. Subjects will be told that they will be mailed a check to provide compensation. However, they will instead receive an envelope containing no money but instead a formal letter informing that their contribution to science has helped society. This letter will recommend that subjects take great pride in their work, and should consider patting themselves on the back if possible and/or buying themselves a small beer or half-shot to celebrate. To further this effort, all subjects will be given inaccurate contact details for experimenters. Subjects will, however, be given correct contact information for local Ethics Boards and the European Commission. If any funds are made available to pay subjects, these funds will be used exclusively to pay the Project Manager, who has extensive experience as an experimental subject and can devise important studies that require his participation.
Work Package 2: Revision
Based on initial testing and feedback, the Urban Hop maneuver may be further revised. For example, particularly hip individuals may choose to instead move their left finger only in the pattern of an upside – down ‘J.’ This signal still conveys the necessary information, but may appear more fashionable as the unnecessary downward portion of the left finger movement is excised. To avoid problems caused by the unique subject protocol used in HOP, all subjects in WP2 will be recruited from a different city, and the experimenter shall use a pseudonym and wear a false beard.
Work Package 3: Dissemination
Once the Urban Hop has been developed, it will be disseminated through numerous mechanisms. A website will be created with detailed instructional videos, downloadable software support tools, and testimonials. To facilitate widespread adoption, all disseminables will be fabricated as needed to convey the impression that the Urban Hop is extremely popular. Results will be disseminated at academic conferences and workshops, and will be published in top journals. Patents, trademarks, and other intellectual property efforts will be aggressively pursued to give the impression that the Urban Hop has commercial potential, thus encouraging the Chinese to steal and publicize the idea.
Substantial funds are also allocated for media efforts to present the Urban Hop as a practical mainstream procedure. Media reports will state that the Urban Hop is extremely popular in another continent. These reports will be adapted geographically as needed. For example, publicity efforts in Europe will state that everyone in America is doing the Urban Hop, and vice versa. This approach has already proven extremely effective in related domains such as late night telemarketing.
Project and Risk Management
HOP shall be administered by a Project Manager. In typical grant proposals, the Project Manager is overseen by a Project Committee consisting of representatives from all partners, as well an Ethics Manager and auditing entities from the European Commission. These mechanisms, which are designed to ensure efficient management and avoid maleficent spending, also require extensive time, expense, and inconvenience. HOP avoids these problems by empowering the Project Manager to make all necessary decisions regarding funding, personnel, project goals, procedures, and deliverables.
This also serves as a highly flexible risk management system. The topheavy management infrastructure of most projects impedes effective and rapid risk management. HOP allows the Project Manager to reassess risks, contingency plans, and goals as needed and take measures he deems appropriate. This reconsideration may be made without regard to prior research, stated project aims, any statement ever made, objections from ethics boards, complaints from any entities, nor legal action. Thus, HOP may be very quickly adapted according to project progress, new external developments, or inspired whims.
(This table did not reprint well. Will fix later.)
Table 1 presents specific risks, likelihood, impact, and contingency plan(s).
Risk Likelihood Impact Contingency
Subjects cannot be recruited
Low
HOP cannot be evaluated properly
Offer subjects more money
Accidental injury through kicking (aka an insufficient hop)
Low
Hoppees are not known for melee combat skill
Hoppees are also easy to outrun
Urban Hop is only very rarely possible.
Definite
HOP will have very small effects on traffic and society
Misrepresent data, and/or redirect funds
Hoppees may be insulted by HOP
High
Hoppees will decline the Urban Hop whenever it is proposed
Increased publicity to vilify hop decliners
Project Management failure
Impossible
Goals are not met
Project Manager redefines goals
HOP target hoppees are miscontrued
Definite
Mistaken impression is created that the typical hoppee is anything but a child
Create videos of kids laughing as people hop over them
Hopping Over People (HOP)
Grant Proposal
Abstract
This proposal describes a novel technique designed to improve human traffic flow in crowded urban settings. Presently, many persons are unable to effectively utilize sidewalks for travel because they are not wide enough. This impedes effective traffic flow, which in turn leads to lost revenue, frustration, anger, and reduced enjoyment of leisure time. In addition, when urban traffic flow is impeded by persons whose toes appear larger to them than most peoples’ own toes, these persons have missed a valuable opportunity to instead interact with normal persons, thus encouraging their inclusion into society. This HOP proposal will create a new mechanism for facilitating urban traffic flow and incorporating these special persons through a simple new concept called the Urban Hop. The Urban Hop is an innovate approach that provides a completely novel means of facilitating flow by replacing the mainstream unidimensional concept of passing – which relies on the overtaxed width dimension of sidewalks – with the multidimensional mobile jump over persons whose unique overall proximity to the ground makes this feasible. While the principal focus will be on human traffic, the ancillary benefit in reducing overall congestion will impact all facets of urban travel. HOP also includes funds to properly promote and disseminate the Urban Hop maneuver to ensure its rapid integration into society.
Impact
The problem of inefficient urban travel plagues far larger target populations than any problem addressed by any other proposal. The US, EU, India, and China each have hundreds of millions of persons who participate in urban travel each day (United Nations General Assembly report 2007-7673). Studies suggest that urban populations will continue to grow, while infrastructural mechanisms to reduce congestion – such as improved roadways, subways, buses, and other mass transit efforts – will not develop at an adequately commensurate rate. Hence, urban congestion is likely to increase through both the short and long term future, further increasing the demand for the Urban Hop.
HOP will strongly impact persons whose noses, when standing, are below the average standing persons’ noses. Advanced statistical modelling has shown that approximately 50% of the population exhibits this characteristic. More details studies have suggested that deviance from this figure is directly proportional to the sample site. That is, while small and freakish groups such as big and tall models, stilt salesmen, Wizard of Oz extras, children, or the Chinese may have populations whose nose altitude differs markedly from the mean, larger and more eclectic populations tend more strongly toward the average. This shocking find has in fact been reported quite a while ago (Galton, 1886).
Vertically challenged persons are already excluded from a wide range of activites, including most track and field events, basketball, heavyweight boxing, amusement park rides, shelves, big-boy bicycles and cars, and yo-yoing. HOP will empower these persons while simultaneously integrating them into a smoother, easier urban traffic infrastructure.
Work plan
HOP consists of four work packages, which are overviewed below.
Work package 1: Initial Urban Hop Development. WP1 will develop the Urban Hop maneuver. This maneuver may occur when two persons are walking toward each other on the sidewalk. One of these persons must be of average or greater pupiltoe distance, while the other person must not. In such a situation, it is currently necessary for one of these persons to step aside, or otherwise be inconvenienced by the other’s desired passage.
HOP creates a new possibility for such situations: the Urban Hop. This proceeds as follows. First, the person who might be capable of an apple picking career should give the hand signal to the person more inclined toward circusry. The right hand is held out, flat, with the palm up and fingers together. The left index finger shall be extended, and the other left fingers balled into a fist, as if in a pointing motion. However, tip of the left finger shall not point to the other Urban Hop member. Instead, it will be placed horizontally in direct contact with the right palm. Next, the initiator shall move his left finger to make an upside down ‘U’ that begins and terminates on the right palm. This motion is meant to convey the concept of jumping over a person. Once this signal is given, the person less concerned with turnstiles may respond with either a thumbs-up or thumbs-down signal.
The proposed hoppee may give the thumbs-down maneuver to decline participation. This may occur for various reasons, including illness, concern for a hat, fear of being accidentally kicked, or pride. If the thumbs-up is given, the two persons shall proceed toward each other at a standard walking pace. Approximately 10 meters before they meet, the hopper will accelerate as deemed necessary to best complete the maneuver. The hopper shall then jump over the hoppee. The hoppee shall duck to create an even smaller vertical profile and thereby facilitate this maneuver. Both persons may then continue walking as before without the need to step aside or suffer other inconvenience.
Work package 1 will further develop and test this maneuver with target subjects in field settings. Appropriate persons will be recruited through emails and flyers. To maximize accessibility to target persons, flyers will be placed only 1 meter above the ground. HOP will use a completely novel approach to subject compensation that will reduce costs significantly. Subjects will be told that they will be mailed a check to provide compensation. However, they will instead receive an envelope containing no money but instead a formal letter informing that their contribution to science has helped society. This letter will recommend that subjects take great pride in their work, and should consider patting themselves on the back if possible and/or buying themselves a small beer or half-shot to celebrate. To further this effort, all subjects will be given inaccurate contact details for experimenters. Subjects will, however, be given correct contact information for local Ethics Boards and the European Commission. If any funds are made available to pay subjects, these funds will be used exclusively to pay the Project Manager, who has extensive experience as an experimental subject and can devise important studies that require his participation.
Work Package 2: Revision
Based on initial testing and feedback, the Urban Hop maneuver may be further revised. For example, particularly hip individuals may choose to instead move their left finger only in the pattern of an upside – down ‘J.’ This signal still conveys the necessary information, but may appear more fashionable as the unnecessary downward portion of the left finger movement is excised. To avoid problems caused by the unique subject protocol used in HOP, all subjects in WP2 will be recruited from a different city, and the experimenter shall use a pseudonym and wear a false beard.
Work Package 3: Dissemination
Once the Urban Hop has been developed, it will be disseminated through numerous mechanisms. A website will be created with detailed instructional videos, downloadable software support tools, and testimonials. To facilitate widespread adoption, all disseminables will be fabricated as needed to convey the impression that the Urban Hop is extremely popular. Results will be disseminated at academic conferences and workshops, and will be published in top journals. Patents, trademarks, and other intellectual property efforts will be aggressively pursued to give the impression that the Urban Hop has commercial potential, thus encouraging the Chinese to steal and publicize the idea.
Substantial funds are also allocated for media efforts to present the Urban Hop as a practical mainstream procedure. Media reports will state that the Urban Hop is extremely popular in another continent. These reports will be adapted geographically as needed. For example, publicity efforts in Europe will state that everyone in America is doing the Urban Hop, and vice versa. This approach has already proven extremely effective in related domains such as late night telemarketing.
Project and Risk Management
HOP shall be administered by a Project Manager. In typical grant proposals, the Project Manager is overseen by a Project Committee consisting of representatives from all partners, as well an Ethics Manager and auditing entities from the European Commission. These mechanisms, which are designed to ensure efficient management and avoid maleficent spending, also require extensive time, expense, and inconvenience. HOP avoids these problems by empowering the Project Manager to make all necessary decisions regarding funding, personnel, project goals, procedures, and deliverables.
This also serves as a highly flexible risk management system. The topheavy management infrastructure of most projects impedes effective and rapid risk management. HOP allows the Project Manager to reassess risks, contingency plans, and goals as needed and take measures he deems appropriate. This reconsideration may be made without regard to prior research, stated project aims, any statement ever made, objections from ethics boards, complaints from any entities, nor legal action. Thus, HOP may be very quickly adapted according to project progress, new external developments, or inspired whims.
(This table did not reprint well. Will fix later.)
Table 1 presents specific risks, likelihood, impact, and contingency plan(s).
Risk Likelihood Impact Contingency
Subjects cannot be recruited
Low
HOP cannot be evaluated properly
Offer subjects more money
Accidental injury through kicking (aka an insufficient hop)
Low
Hoppees are not known for melee combat skill
Hoppees are also easy to outrun
Urban Hop is only very rarely possible.
Definite
HOP will have very small effects on traffic and society
Misrepresent data, and/or redirect funds
Hoppees may be insulted by HOP
High
Hoppees will decline the Urban Hop whenever it is proposed
Increased publicity to vilify hop decliners
Project Management failure
Impossible
Goals are not met
Project Manager redefines goals
HOP target hoppees are miscontrued
Definite
Mistaken impression is created that the typical hoppee is anything but a child
Create videos of kids laughing as people hop over them
Intensity
After returning from a really busy trip to San Francisco on Sep 27, I got slammed with my first grant lead. I had to produce a €3M grant application on short notice with minimal support. My officemate Bernhard was helping on 2 other grants with the same Oct 9 deadline. Other grant contributors were generally quite slow, and about half did close to nothing. Most were not native English speakers, adding bonus work that I alone could do well. The grant support office at the university - which any fellow grantwriter knows is essential - was curiously on vacation. Odd. There is a huge EU-wide grant call due Oct 9, dozens of groups at U Bremen had submissions, and all the key people at the grant office choose the preceding 2 weeks for a holiday. Hence it was all me. If you want something done right, do it yourself. Not a good attitude for management, but it worked this time.
From Sep 27 to Oct 9, I averaged 115 hours per week. Do the math, and it looks impossible. Now redo the math, accounting for the four all - nighters and an average of 4 hours of sleep per night. Twice I slept on the metal desk in my office. And delivered a very good grant app. It was nice to see I still had it. Done it before, and will do it again. I was thriving. It was the most fun I had in a while. Thus was born my first grant app, about 120 pages of inspired beauty. What can I say? I would fund us.
Yet I must also wonder about the opportunity cost. With equivalent effort, I could have produced a major patent application, most of a full scientific research project, two solid theory papers, and who knows what in industry. If the grant is denied, which is statistically the most likely, the effort was for naught. I am directly competing against a larger powerhouse consortium of 15 EU groups, including the top BCI labs. I am up against Niels Birbaumer. So my prediction is, good score from the reviewers, but no money. The more senior I become in academia, the more time I have to spend on grant apps. Hm.
Amidst this all, I have been burning to get out my latest silly story. I never had time. The whole time I was working on my grant app, I was thinking about my silly proposal. I thought, dammit, I don't want to smog up my blog with grantwriting. But then I thought, no, if my brain is stuck in that mode, go with it. Hence the HOP proposal, which is sitting on my nonworking USB key here at an internet cafe in Munich. I should be able to post it soon.
Back to intensity. I am here in Munich until Sunday, then off to Salzburg, which I love. I met some old friends here last night and we went to the famous HofBrauhaus. Great fun, but I would guess more than half of the patrons were Americans. On Wed I return to Bremen. on Sunday the 21st I fly to San Diego. After working there with Jaime Pineda and then going to a conference, I go to San Francisco to meet with a lab there, then Albany to visit the Wolpaw lab, then Manhattan, then back to Bremen on Nov 20.
Today is the first of my 29 vacation days. The boss gave me yesterday and next Wed as free vacation days as a bonus for the grant app. Off to wander around Munich. Flaneur.
Three quotes from Thomas Edison, who coincidentally has the same birthday:
Personally, I enjoy working about 18 hours a day. Besides the short catnaps I take each day, I average about four to five hours of sleep per night.
I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward, in the work that precedes what the world calls success.
Pretty much everything will come to him who hustles while he waits. I believe that restlessness is discontent, and discontent is merely the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.
From Sep 27 to Oct 9, I averaged 115 hours per week. Do the math, and it looks impossible. Now redo the math, accounting for the four all - nighters and an average of 4 hours of sleep per night. Twice I slept on the metal desk in my office. And delivered a very good grant app. It was nice to see I still had it. Done it before, and will do it again. I was thriving. It was the most fun I had in a while. Thus was born my first grant app, about 120 pages of inspired beauty. What can I say? I would fund us.
Yet I must also wonder about the opportunity cost. With equivalent effort, I could have produced a major patent application, most of a full scientific research project, two solid theory papers, and who knows what in industry. If the grant is denied, which is statistically the most likely, the effort was for naught. I am directly competing against a larger powerhouse consortium of 15 EU groups, including the top BCI labs. I am up against Niels Birbaumer. So my prediction is, good score from the reviewers, but no money. The more senior I become in academia, the more time I have to spend on grant apps. Hm.
Amidst this all, I have been burning to get out my latest silly story. I never had time. The whole time I was working on my grant app, I was thinking about my silly proposal. I thought, dammit, I don't want to smog up my blog with grantwriting. But then I thought, no, if my brain is stuck in that mode, go with it. Hence the HOP proposal, which is sitting on my nonworking USB key here at an internet cafe in Munich. I should be able to post it soon.
Back to intensity. I am here in Munich until Sunday, then off to Salzburg, which I love. I met some old friends here last night and we went to the famous HofBrauhaus. Great fun, but I would guess more than half of the patrons were Americans. On Wed I return to Bremen. on Sunday the 21st I fly to San Diego. After working there with Jaime Pineda and then going to a conference, I go to San Francisco to meet with a lab there, then Albany to visit the Wolpaw lab, then Manhattan, then back to Bremen on Nov 20.
Today is the first of my 29 vacation days. The boss gave me yesterday and next Wed as free vacation days as a bonus for the grant app. Off to wander around Munich. Flaneur.
Three quotes from Thomas Edison, who coincidentally has the same birthday:
Personally, I enjoy working about 18 hours a day. Besides the short catnaps I take each day, I average about four to five hours of sleep per night.
I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward, in the work that precedes what the world calls success.
Pretty much everything will come to him who hustles while he waits. I believe that restlessness is discontent, and discontent is merely the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.
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