Here is the HOP proposal. For added challenge, I not only wrote it up as a grant proposal, I also avoided all use of conventional terms for short,or height, etc. This was because I was annoyed at all the politically correct speech in that proposal I just finished.
Hopping Over People (HOP)
Grant Proposal
Abstract
This proposal describes a novel technique designed to improve human traffic flow in crowded urban settings. Presently, many persons are unable to effectively utilize sidewalks for travel because they are not wide enough. This impedes effective traffic flow, which in turn leads to lost revenue, frustration, anger, and reduced enjoyment of leisure time. In addition, when urban traffic flow is impeded by persons whose toes appear larger to them than most peoples’ own toes, these persons have missed a valuable opportunity to instead interact with normal persons, thus encouraging their inclusion into society. This HOP proposal will create a new mechanism for facilitating urban traffic flow and incorporating these special persons through a simple new concept called the Urban Hop. The Urban Hop is an innovate approach that provides a completely novel means of facilitating flow by replacing the mainstream unidimensional concept of passing – which relies on the overtaxed width dimension of sidewalks – with the multidimensional mobile jump over persons whose unique overall proximity to the ground makes this feasible. While the principal focus will be on human traffic, the ancillary benefit in reducing overall congestion will impact all facets of urban travel. HOP also includes funds to properly promote and disseminate the Urban Hop maneuver to ensure its rapid integration into society.
Impact
The problem of inefficient urban travel plagues far larger target populations than any problem addressed by any other proposal. The US, EU, India, and China each have hundreds of millions of persons who participate in urban travel each day (United Nations General Assembly report 2007-7673). Studies suggest that urban populations will continue to grow, while infrastructural mechanisms to reduce congestion – such as improved roadways, subways, buses, and other mass transit efforts – will not develop at an adequately commensurate rate. Hence, urban congestion is likely to increase through both the short and long term future, further increasing the demand for the Urban Hop.
HOP will strongly impact persons whose noses, when standing, are below the average standing persons’ noses. Advanced statistical modelling has shown that approximately 50% of the population exhibits this characteristic. More details studies have suggested that deviance from this figure is directly proportional to the sample site. That is, while small and freakish groups such as big and tall models, stilt salesmen, Wizard of Oz extras, children, or the Chinese may have populations whose nose altitude differs markedly from the mean, larger and more eclectic populations tend more strongly toward the average. This shocking find has in fact been reported quite a while ago (Galton, 1886).
Vertically challenged persons are already excluded from a wide range of activites, including most track and field events, basketball, heavyweight boxing, amusement park rides, shelves, big-boy bicycles and cars, and yo-yoing. HOP will empower these persons while simultaneously integrating them into a smoother, easier urban traffic infrastructure.
Work plan
HOP consists of four work packages, which are overviewed below.
Work package 1: Initial Urban Hop Development. WP1 will develop the Urban Hop maneuver. This maneuver may occur when two persons are walking toward each other on the sidewalk. One of these persons must be of average or greater pupiltoe distance, while the other person must not. In such a situation, it is currently necessary for one of these persons to step aside, or otherwise be inconvenienced by the other’s desired passage.
HOP creates a new possibility for such situations: the Urban Hop. This proceeds as follows. First, the person who might be capable of an apple picking career should give the hand signal to the person more inclined toward circusry. The right hand is held out, flat, with the palm up and fingers together. The left index finger shall be extended, and the other left fingers balled into a fist, as if in a pointing motion. However, tip of the left finger shall not point to the other Urban Hop member. Instead, it will be placed horizontally in direct contact with the right palm. Next, the initiator shall move his left finger to make an upside down ‘U’ that begins and terminates on the right palm. This motion is meant to convey the concept of jumping over a person. Once this signal is given, the person less concerned with turnstiles may respond with either a thumbs-up or thumbs-down signal.
The proposed hoppee may give the thumbs-down maneuver to decline participation. This may occur for various reasons, including illness, concern for a hat, fear of being accidentally kicked, or pride. If the thumbs-up is given, the two persons shall proceed toward each other at a standard walking pace. Approximately 10 meters before they meet, the hopper will accelerate as deemed necessary to best complete the maneuver. The hopper shall then jump over the hoppee. The hoppee shall duck to create an even smaller vertical profile and thereby facilitate this maneuver. Both persons may then continue walking as before without the need to step aside or suffer other inconvenience.
Work package 1 will further develop and test this maneuver with target subjects in field settings. Appropriate persons will be recruited through emails and flyers. To maximize accessibility to target persons, flyers will be placed only 1 meter above the ground. HOP will use a completely novel approach to subject compensation that will reduce costs significantly. Subjects will be told that they will be mailed a check to provide compensation. However, they will instead receive an envelope containing no money but instead a formal letter informing that their contribution to science has helped society. This letter will recommend that subjects take great pride in their work, and should consider patting themselves on the back if possible and/or buying themselves a small beer or half-shot to celebrate. To further this effort, all subjects will be given inaccurate contact details for experimenters. Subjects will, however, be given correct contact information for local Ethics Boards and the European Commission. If any funds are made available to pay subjects, these funds will be used exclusively to pay the Project Manager, who has extensive experience as an experimental subject and can devise important studies that require his participation.
Work Package 2: Revision
Based on initial testing and feedback, the Urban Hop maneuver may be further revised. For example, particularly hip individuals may choose to instead move their left finger only in the pattern of an upside – down ‘J.’ This signal still conveys the necessary information, but may appear more fashionable as the unnecessary downward portion of the left finger movement is excised. To avoid problems caused by the unique subject protocol used in HOP, all subjects in WP2 will be recruited from a different city, and the experimenter shall use a pseudonym and wear a false beard.
Work Package 3: Dissemination
Once the Urban Hop has been developed, it will be disseminated through numerous mechanisms. A website will be created with detailed instructional videos, downloadable software support tools, and testimonials. To facilitate widespread adoption, all disseminables will be fabricated as needed to convey the impression that the Urban Hop is extremely popular. Results will be disseminated at academic conferences and workshops, and will be published in top journals. Patents, trademarks, and other intellectual property efforts will be aggressively pursued to give the impression that the Urban Hop has commercial potential, thus encouraging the Chinese to steal and publicize the idea.
Substantial funds are also allocated for media efforts to present the Urban Hop as a practical mainstream procedure. Media reports will state that the Urban Hop is extremely popular in another continent. These reports will be adapted geographically as needed. For example, publicity efforts in Europe will state that everyone in America is doing the Urban Hop, and vice versa. This approach has already proven extremely effective in related domains such as late night telemarketing.
Project and Risk Management
HOP shall be administered by a Project Manager. In typical grant proposals, the Project Manager is overseen by a Project Committee consisting of representatives from all partners, as well an Ethics Manager and auditing entities from the European Commission. These mechanisms, which are designed to ensure efficient management and avoid maleficent spending, also require extensive time, expense, and inconvenience. HOP avoids these problems by empowering the Project Manager to make all necessary decisions regarding funding, personnel, project goals, procedures, and deliverables.
This also serves as a highly flexible risk management system. The topheavy management infrastructure of most projects impedes effective and rapid risk management. HOP allows the Project Manager to reassess risks, contingency plans, and goals as needed and take measures he deems appropriate. This reconsideration may be made without regard to prior research, stated project aims, any statement ever made, objections from ethics boards, complaints from any entities, nor legal action. Thus, HOP may be very quickly adapted according to project progress, new external developments, or inspired whims.
(This table did not reprint well. Will fix later.)
Table 1 presents specific risks, likelihood, impact, and contingency plan(s).
Risk Likelihood Impact Contingency
Subjects cannot be recruited
Low
HOP cannot be evaluated properly
Offer subjects more money
Accidental injury through kicking (aka an insufficient hop)
Low
Hoppees are not known for melee combat skill
Hoppees are also easy to outrun
Urban Hop is only very rarely possible.
Definite
HOP will have very small effects on traffic and society
Misrepresent data, and/or redirect funds
Hoppees may be insulted by HOP
High
Hoppees will decline the Urban Hop whenever it is proposed
Increased publicity to vilify hop decliners
Project Management failure
Impossible
Goals are not met
Project Manager redefines goals
HOP target hoppees are miscontrued
Definite
Mistaken impression is created that the typical hoppee is anything but a child
Create videos of kids laughing as people hop over them
Friday, October 12, 2007
Intensity
After returning from a really busy trip to San Francisco on Sep 27, I got slammed with my first grant lead. I had to produce a €3M grant application on short notice with minimal support. My officemate Bernhard was helping on 2 other grants with the same Oct 9 deadline. Other grant contributors were generally quite slow, and about half did close to nothing. Most were not native English speakers, adding bonus work that I alone could do well. The grant support office at the university - which any fellow grantwriter knows is essential - was curiously on vacation. Odd. There is a huge EU-wide grant call due Oct 9, dozens of groups at U Bremen had submissions, and all the key people at the grant office choose the preceding 2 weeks for a holiday. Hence it was all me. If you want something done right, do it yourself. Not a good attitude for management, but it worked this time.
From Sep 27 to Oct 9, I averaged 115 hours per week. Do the math, and it looks impossible. Now redo the math, accounting for the four all - nighters and an average of 4 hours of sleep per night. Twice I slept on the metal desk in my office. And delivered a very good grant app. It was nice to see I still had it. Done it before, and will do it again. I was thriving. It was the most fun I had in a while. Thus was born my first grant app, about 120 pages of inspired beauty. What can I say? I would fund us.
Yet I must also wonder about the opportunity cost. With equivalent effort, I could have produced a major patent application, most of a full scientific research project, two solid theory papers, and who knows what in industry. If the grant is denied, which is statistically the most likely, the effort was for naught. I am directly competing against a larger powerhouse consortium of 15 EU groups, including the top BCI labs. I am up against Niels Birbaumer. So my prediction is, good score from the reviewers, but no money. The more senior I become in academia, the more time I have to spend on grant apps. Hm.
Amidst this all, I have been burning to get out my latest silly story. I never had time. The whole time I was working on my grant app, I was thinking about my silly proposal. I thought, dammit, I don't want to smog up my blog with grantwriting. But then I thought, no, if my brain is stuck in that mode, go with it. Hence the HOP proposal, which is sitting on my nonworking USB key here at an internet cafe in Munich. I should be able to post it soon.
Back to intensity. I am here in Munich until Sunday, then off to Salzburg, which I love. I met some old friends here last night and we went to the famous HofBrauhaus. Great fun, but I would guess more than half of the patrons were Americans. On Wed I return to Bremen. on Sunday the 21st I fly to San Diego. After working there with Jaime Pineda and then going to a conference, I go to San Francisco to meet with a lab there, then Albany to visit the Wolpaw lab, then Manhattan, then back to Bremen on Nov 20.
Today is the first of my 29 vacation days. The boss gave me yesterday and next Wed as free vacation days as a bonus for the grant app. Off to wander around Munich. Flaneur.
Three quotes from Thomas Edison, who coincidentally has the same birthday:
Personally, I enjoy working about 18 hours a day. Besides the short catnaps I take each day, I average about four to five hours of sleep per night.
I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward, in the work that precedes what the world calls success.
Pretty much everything will come to him who hustles while he waits. I believe that restlessness is discontent, and discontent is merely the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.
From Sep 27 to Oct 9, I averaged 115 hours per week. Do the math, and it looks impossible. Now redo the math, accounting for the four all - nighters and an average of 4 hours of sleep per night. Twice I slept on the metal desk in my office. And delivered a very good grant app. It was nice to see I still had it. Done it before, and will do it again. I was thriving. It was the most fun I had in a while. Thus was born my first grant app, about 120 pages of inspired beauty. What can I say? I would fund us.
Yet I must also wonder about the opportunity cost. With equivalent effort, I could have produced a major patent application, most of a full scientific research project, two solid theory papers, and who knows what in industry. If the grant is denied, which is statistically the most likely, the effort was for naught. I am directly competing against a larger powerhouse consortium of 15 EU groups, including the top BCI labs. I am up against Niels Birbaumer. So my prediction is, good score from the reviewers, but no money. The more senior I become in academia, the more time I have to spend on grant apps. Hm.
Amidst this all, I have been burning to get out my latest silly story. I never had time. The whole time I was working on my grant app, I was thinking about my silly proposal. I thought, dammit, I don't want to smog up my blog with grantwriting. But then I thought, no, if my brain is stuck in that mode, go with it. Hence the HOP proposal, which is sitting on my nonworking USB key here at an internet cafe in Munich. I should be able to post it soon.
Back to intensity. I am here in Munich until Sunday, then off to Salzburg, which I love. I met some old friends here last night and we went to the famous HofBrauhaus. Great fun, but I would guess more than half of the patrons were Americans. On Wed I return to Bremen. on Sunday the 21st I fly to San Diego. After working there with Jaime Pineda and then going to a conference, I go to San Francisco to meet with a lab there, then Albany to visit the Wolpaw lab, then Manhattan, then back to Bremen on Nov 20.
Today is the first of my 29 vacation days. The boss gave me yesterday and next Wed as free vacation days as a bonus for the grant app. Off to wander around Munich. Flaneur.
Three quotes from Thomas Edison, who coincidentally has the same birthday:
Personally, I enjoy working about 18 hours a day. Besides the short catnaps I take each day, I average about four to five hours of sleep per night.
I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward, in the work that precedes what the world calls success.
Pretty much everything will come to him who hustles while he waits. I believe that restlessness is discontent, and discontent is merely the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Let Freedom Ring
Three senior scientists at the University of California at San Diego have issued an urgent advisory based on recently completed modelling studies. According to a statement released yesterday in the UCSD Koala, the three physicists stated that a certain material in brasseires may present unprecedented destructive potential.
“Our research has concluded that a new type of antimatter, called superantimatter, may spontaneously form within certain specific clothing conformations due to the superlatticework interaction among pseudosymmetrical axes. This superantimatter is far more destructive than any known material. It would be very bad for the environment. This risk can only be eliminated through the immediate destruction of all clothing with relevant conformation, namely, brasseires.”
The response from Washington was swift. Senior Democratic sources praised the advisory, and one promptly drafted a bill to “declare bras illegal to support women’s freedom, strength, and hope.” Sixteen minutes later, the bill was withdrawn by its author, who also apologized for any damage to his wife’s presidential campaign.
This brief statement had a dramatic effect on campus as well. Many UCSD students have ceased wearing brasseires, most of them female. An announcement this morning that the scientists would issue follow up statements in a hastily assembled conference in Price Center drew thousands of students. Before the conference, I interviewed several of them and got a wide variety of responses.
Kenna Naylor, a freshman who read the Koala article on Monday, said she had been free since then and appreciated the public support. “Everyone is sooooo much cooler to you when you are like environmentally conscious. Like, since I became free, my TAs are all totally cool to me. They said they would hold extra office hours for me and don’t worry about the bad grade on my last essay.”
Her two friends, both named Jen, agreed. “Yeah, like, at work, things are totally different,” said one. “I got promoted - twice - and all the guys buy me lunch and buy me things and I learned how to play shuffleboard and bocce ball. So working in a retirement home is pretty cool!”
The latter Jen described similar support. “I work for this corporation and it is like the same there. My boss, he said he would pay me extra to work late, but I could just use the time to study. And he said he could help. And then he said he would take me on business trips with him and he didn’t really love his wife and he would pimp beer for me and my sisters. And those network guys are sooooo much more responsive, they were total dicks before, but I got a new computer and monitor and eight webcams! They even made this cool string of webcams over my desk! So, like, there is a lot of support for the environment here! Go environment!” Jen cheered and whooped while her two friends nodded enthusiastically. Kenna and the other Jen nodded too.
Male students were also supportive. “Fuck yeah, I support all this! I am hornier than an ivory bazaar. This is better than that take back the night march!”
“Dude, I am fuckier hornier than a rhino orchestra.”
“And they don’t even need beer or beads! I wonder what it’s like at State.”
“Hey you! Yeah you, writing all this down! You know they’re laughing at you at network, right?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Um. I think …. Uh, sorry, yeah, this ….. um…. Yeah. What was the question again?”
“Jesus dude! Are those fucking real?”
“I don’t care dude, I am like a toad in heat, I get that tall one over there.”
“Fuck you, bitch, I saw her first.”
However, some dissenters were present as well. One student, the headwomyn of Feminists United for Concerned, Knowledgeable, Understanding Students, was especially angry. “I have long chosen to be free of male-engineered "support," for much more important reasons than these noobs. I don’t like the lack of attention to the underlying feminist issues here,” she said while expressionlessly backfisting a passing gawker. Looking toward the Jens, she said, “Yeah, you. I mean you, bitch. You’re going down, you choose how.”
I had to shove through the crowd to get to the press conference, where the three senior physicists were taking questions. I arrived to see a physicist whose nameplate read John Hagelin answering a question. “No, our simulations have conclusively shown that male clothing presents no risk of antimatter formation. We think only bras are dangerous.”
“Naw, dude!” chimed his colleague, Brian Greene. “G strings might be bad too. And the top inch or so of low cut jeans. We need to do more simulations. But we recommend erring on the side of caution.”
I asked if they could present more data describing how they reached their conclusions. Greene said that his results have been submitted to Nature, and that it would be inappropriate to present details prior to publication.
A gentleman in the crowd asked if any sort of testing might be possible to assess whether any superantimatter had already formed. Hagelin replied, “Yes, and thank you for that excellent and very important question, Jeff. I mean, sir. Yes. Indeed, yes. The initial formation of superantimatter might produce a small, nearly invisible rash. Since yesterday, we have developed a means to evaluate photographic evidence and identify relevant indicators. So, we urge women to send us pictures of themselves after becoming free. Please include your contact information. We will contact you in cases that require further investigation.”
“But it doesn’t always work,” added Greene. “It only works on women from about 18-40. And maybe we can detect G string risks too. ”
“Oh yes,” commented the third physicist. “Good call.”
“And also, it only works with C or larger cup sizes,” said Greene.
“Dude, stop getting fucking greedy,” replied Hagelin. “I mean, I disagree with your interpretation of our modelling data, Dr. Greene. It works for B cups too.” The two scientists had a brief discussion with the microphone off, then turned the mike on again. “Sorry,” said Hagelin. “We had to discuss highly technical details of our model. Yes, our technique would work pretty broadly. Just send the pictures.”
One woman from the audience asked if they should be sent to the email addresses posted on their official web pages. “No,” said Hagelin, “definitely not. Our server would get overloaded. Send it to nineinchnailer@hotmail.com. That is an alternate site we set up to handle this grave task.”
“Or wait, ma’am, maybe we could meet you after the conference to help,” said Greene. “We can’t really see you there, can you stand up? Oh. Hm. Well, I think you look safe, ma’am. No need to send a picture.”
One student in the crowd asked if this conference would be on CNN. “We aren’t sure yet,” answered Hagelin. “We couldn’t get any of the networks here because they kept arguing about our credentials.” The student followed up noting that the speakers did not seem old enough for such distinguished careers, and were not listed among Physics faculty at UCSD. This angered the third physicist so much that he stood up and stormed out of the room.
“Yo, dude!” said Hagelin. “That’s such bullshit. You can’t talk to Stephen Hawking that way! This conference is over.”
“Our research has concluded that a new type of antimatter, called superantimatter, may spontaneously form within certain specific clothing conformations due to the superlatticework interaction among pseudosymmetrical axes. This superantimatter is far more destructive than any known material. It would be very bad for the environment. This risk can only be eliminated through the immediate destruction of all clothing with relevant conformation, namely, brasseires.”
The response from Washington was swift. Senior Democratic sources praised the advisory, and one promptly drafted a bill to “declare bras illegal to support women’s freedom, strength, and hope.” Sixteen minutes later, the bill was withdrawn by its author, who also apologized for any damage to his wife’s presidential campaign.
This brief statement had a dramatic effect on campus as well. Many UCSD students have ceased wearing brasseires, most of them female. An announcement this morning that the scientists would issue follow up statements in a hastily assembled conference in Price Center drew thousands of students. Before the conference, I interviewed several of them and got a wide variety of responses.
Kenna Naylor, a freshman who read the Koala article on Monday, said she had been free since then and appreciated the public support. “Everyone is sooooo much cooler to you when you are like environmentally conscious. Like, since I became free, my TAs are all totally cool to me. They said they would hold extra office hours for me and don’t worry about the bad grade on my last essay.”
Her two friends, both named Jen, agreed. “Yeah, like, at work, things are totally different,” said one. “I got promoted - twice - and all the guys buy me lunch and buy me things and I learned how to play shuffleboard and bocce ball. So working in a retirement home is pretty cool!”
The latter Jen described similar support. “I work for this corporation and it is like the same there. My boss, he said he would pay me extra to work late, but I could just use the time to study. And he said he could help. And then he said he would take me on business trips with him and he didn’t really love his wife and he would pimp beer for me and my sisters. And those network guys are sooooo much more responsive, they were total dicks before, but I got a new computer and monitor and eight webcams! They even made this cool string of webcams over my desk! So, like, there is a lot of support for the environment here! Go environment!” Jen cheered and whooped while her two friends nodded enthusiastically. Kenna and the other Jen nodded too.
Male students were also supportive. “Fuck yeah, I support all this! I am hornier than an ivory bazaar. This is better than that take back the night march!”
“Dude, I am fuckier hornier than a rhino orchestra.”
“And they don’t even need beer or beads! I wonder what it’s like at State.”
“Hey you! Yeah you, writing all this down! You know they’re laughing at you at network, right?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Um. I think …. Uh, sorry, yeah, this ….. um…. Yeah. What was the question again?”
“Jesus dude! Are those fucking real?”
“I don’t care dude, I am like a toad in heat, I get that tall one over there.”
“Fuck you, bitch, I saw her first.”
However, some dissenters were present as well. One student, the headwomyn of Feminists United for Concerned, Knowledgeable, Understanding Students, was especially angry. “I have long chosen to be free of male-engineered "support," for much more important reasons than these noobs. I don’t like the lack of attention to the underlying feminist issues here,” she said while expressionlessly backfisting a passing gawker. Looking toward the Jens, she said, “Yeah, you. I mean you, bitch. You’re going down, you choose how.”
I had to shove through the crowd to get to the press conference, where the three senior physicists were taking questions. I arrived to see a physicist whose nameplate read John Hagelin answering a question. “No, our simulations have conclusively shown that male clothing presents no risk of antimatter formation. We think only bras are dangerous.”
“Naw, dude!” chimed his colleague, Brian Greene. “G strings might be bad too. And the top inch or so of low cut jeans. We need to do more simulations. But we recommend erring on the side of caution.”
I asked if they could present more data describing how they reached their conclusions. Greene said that his results have been submitted to Nature, and that it would be inappropriate to present details prior to publication.
A gentleman in the crowd asked if any sort of testing might be possible to assess whether any superantimatter had already formed. Hagelin replied, “Yes, and thank you for that excellent and very important question, Jeff. I mean, sir. Yes. Indeed, yes. The initial formation of superantimatter might produce a small, nearly invisible rash. Since yesterday, we have developed a means to evaluate photographic evidence and identify relevant indicators. So, we urge women to send us pictures of themselves after becoming free. Please include your contact information. We will contact you in cases that require further investigation.”
“But it doesn’t always work,” added Greene. “It only works on women from about 18-40. And maybe we can detect G string risks too. ”
“Oh yes,” commented the third physicist. “Good call.”
“And also, it only works with C or larger cup sizes,” said Greene.
“Dude, stop getting fucking greedy,” replied Hagelin. “I mean, I disagree with your interpretation of our modelling data, Dr. Greene. It works for B cups too.” The two scientists had a brief discussion with the microphone off, then turned the mike on again. “Sorry,” said Hagelin. “We had to discuss highly technical details of our model. Yes, our technique would work pretty broadly. Just send the pictures.”
One woman from the audience asked if they should be sent to the email addresses posted on their official web pages. “No,” said Hagelin, “definitely not. Our server would get overloaded. Send it to nineinchnailer@hotmail.com. That is an alternate site we set up to handle this grave task.”
“Or wait, ma’am, maybe we could meet you after the conference to help,” said Greene. “We can’t really see you there, can you stand up? Oh. Hm. Well, I think you look safe, ma’am. No need to send a picture.”
One student in the crowd asked if this conference would be on CNN. “We aren’t sure yet,” answered Hagelin. “We couldn’t get any of the networks here because they kept arguing about our credentials.” The student followed up noting that the speakers did not seem old enough for such distinguished careers, and were not listed among Physics faculty at UCSD. This angered the third physicist so much that he stood up and stormed out of the room.
“Yo, dude!” said Hagelin. “That’s such bullshit. You can’t talk to Stephen Hawking that way! This conference is over.”
Monday, September 17, 2007
Euroshopping II
Hmmm.... learn about retinal scotomas ... goof off in the business center .... Hmmmmm.....
I recently held Fun Night II in our lab, featuring Spinal Tap followed by poker. Before then, I asked Thorsten (a Bremen native) from our lab to take me to the nearest huge supermarket for supplies. It was called Real, which Thorsten said was like Wal - Mart. In many ways, this was true. Very large, lot of variety, bad floor tiles, mostly low end stuff. Inside was like a mini strip mall, with an optometrist, food shops, video rental, the usual. Thorsten asked if it was like an American Wal - Mart. No, I said, because of no weapons.
"You can buy a gun at Wal - Mart?" he asked.
"Yes. In fact you are required to buy one with every purchase."
"Ha ha! No, you are not!" (Thorsten is not easily fooled.)
"OK. But they do have guns."
"Pistols?"
"Yes."
"Shotguns?"
"Yes."
"Machine guns?"
"No. But they have crossbows."
"What?!"
"Crossbow, and a bow and arrow."
"You can buy all these at Wal-Mart?"
"Yes. And ammunition, and scopes, and everything you need. And grenade launchers."
"Stop being like that. But you can really get ammunition?"
"Yes. You can go to Wal Mart and get everything you need to shoot anything you want."
Pause. "What if you try to buy more than one gun?"
"Fine. They will be happy."
The conversation trailed off, but made me think. Was I right? How many guns could you actually buy at Wal-Mart? This could be a really interesting sociological study, and might be a cute hidden camera move. What would happen if someone tried to buy all the guns in a Wal - Mart? The challenge is to get enough purchasing power, ideally cash, to appear credible. Easily in the high tens of thousands. Otherwise, they will ignore you. Money talks, and bullshit walks.
That is not literally true, actually. I tested this in Colorado, a state which has at least plenty of the latter. After extensive observation, neither part of the old expression is true. Instead, the money will eventually blow away, and the bullshit becomes harder. But it then makes an effective paperweight.
Also, money walks too. When I arrived in Bremen, one Euro was worth about 1.35 dollars. Now, due largely to the subprime lending crisis, it is almost 1.4. Never before have I been so encouraged to root for American financial catastrophe. Go, mortgage scammers! What about the death tax? We should add an apologetic antitax, to give massive tax breaks to the rich to express how bad we feel for having had the death tax for so long. What the fuck is up with Iran?! They are getting nukes, and we just sit here? Bomb em! Let's bomb Venezuela too! But, of course, we only want catastrophes that somehow don't significantly affect the Euro market.
Back to the plan. The stunt will fail without money to generate credibility. Assume also you have a white guy, speaking perfect english, dressed in a suit, with a gun permit, with nothing remotely suspicuous about him. He goes in, with a shopping cart, fills it up to overflowing with several dozen guns, then goes nonchalantly through checkout. To add to the fun, have a couple similar guys behind him with full carts. Now, this should at least draw a question from the checkout dude. I would hope they would call a manager, and probe a bit as to goals. You might think someone would call a cop, or perform a background check, but this is already assumed since you have a gun permit. It's just a scaling issue; one gun or hundreds? Avoid discussion, be perfectly polite, but provide no hint of why you want the guns. And, again, to keep the pressure on Wal Mart, keep flashing LOTS of cash. See if you can pull it off. Or, on what grounds would they refuse the sale?
Possible variants:
Don't be white, and/or speak with an accent. Perhaps make one up. Perhaps, if multiple buyers are involved, make everyone different. Wear different clothes, such as camo gear, a full sari/sarong or Bushman loincloth with spear (if white), toga, Napoleonic French marshal uniform, or a bear costume.
Rather than avoiding all discussion of why you want all these guns, come up with some answer that is either silly and transparent (well, lot of deer out there! or I needed some nice looking paperweights) or complete nonsequitir (Did you know the brain has thousands of neurons? or Snap! Crackle! Pop!) or vaguely threatening but thoroughly mad (I need them because of all the ants! or Did you know most Mormons have guns? or People keep making fun of me or I don't know, I just get so frustrated when people won't sell me things.... so I'm good to go, right?)
Have a facial tic.
Ask really inane questions about your purchase. How many Joules are produced with each shot? Can this rifle support my truck? Can you eat gunpowder if you are really hungry? Do you have pistols for dogs? No, no, don't be silly, I mean, pistols that dogs can fire? Could this bullet penetrate the codpiece on my plate mail at 300 yards? No? Whew! I'll take it, then.
If you see any Chinese people in your line or nearby lines, ask what they think of Taiwanese nationalism. Regardless of their answer, say that you need good people in your group.
In addition to buying all the guns, also buy out something seemingly irrelevant (eg, not survival gear or copies of Guns and Ammo.) All shampoo. All Teletubbies. All copies of People magazine. All tampons. All romance novels. All yellow toys.
If buying guns with someone else, argue frequently with him in a nonexistant foreign language. Get really angry, then suddenly both start whispering, then nod knowingly.
Laugh whenever they ask why you need the guns. But not a sinister laugh - a joyous, grand belly laugh. If the sale is completed, jump up and down and say, Now we'll see who laughs last!
I recently held Fun Night II in our lab, featuring Spinal Tap followed by poker. Before then, I asked Thorsten (a Bremen native) from our lab to take me to the nearest huge supermarket for supplies. It was called Real, which Thorsten said was like Wal - Mart. In many ways, this was true. Very large, lot of variety, bad floor tiles, mostly low end stuff. Inside was like a mini strip mall, with an optometrist, food shops, video rental, the usual. Thorsten asked if it was like an American Wal - Mart. No, I said, because of no weapons.
"You can buy a gun at Wal - Mart?" he asked.
"Yes. In fact you are required to buy one with every purchase."
"Ha ha! No, you are not!" (Thorsten is not easily fooled.)
"OK. But they do have guns."
"Pistols?"
"Yes."
"Shotguns?"
"Yes."
"Machine guns?"
"No. But they have crossbows."
"What?!"
"Crossbow, and a bow and arrow."
"You can buy all these at Wal-Mart?"
"Yes. And ammunition, and scopes, and everything you need. And grenade launchers."
"Stop being like that. But you can really get ammunition?"
"Yes. You can go to Wal Mart and get everything you need to shoot anything you want."
Pause. "What if you try to buy more than one gun?"
"Fine. They will be happy."
The conversation trailed off, but made me think. Was I right? How many guns could you actually buy at Wal-Mart? This could be a really interesting sociological study, and might be a cute hidden camera move. What would happen if someone tried to buy all the guns in a Wal - Mart? The challenge is to get enough purchasing power, ideally cash, to appear credible. Easily in the high tens of thousands. Otherwise, they will ignore you. Money talks, and bullshit walks.
That is not literally true, actually. I tested this in Colorado, a state which has at least plenty of the latter. After extensive observation, neither part of the old expression is true. Instead, the money will eventually blow away, and the bullshit becomes harder. But it then makes an effective paperweight.
Also, money walks too. When I arrived in Bremen, one Euro was worth about 1.35 dollars. Now, due largely to the subprime lending crisis, it is almost 1.4. Never before have I been so encouraged to root for American financial catastrophe. Go, mortgage scammers! What about the death tax? We should add an apologetic antitax, to give massive tax breaks to the rich to express how bad we feel for having had the death tax for so long. What the fuck is up with Iran?! They are getting nukes, and we just sit here? Bomb em! Let's bomb Venezuela too! But, of course, we only want catastrophes that somehow don't significantly affect the Euro market.
Back to the plan. The stunt will fail without money to generate credibility. Assume also you have a white guy, speaking perfect english, dressed in a suit, with a gun permit, with nothing remotely suspicuous about him. He goes in, with a shopping cart, fills it up to overflowing with several dozen guns, then goes nonchalantly through checkout. To add to the fun, have a couple similar guys behind him with full carts. Now, this should at least draw a question from the checkout dude. I would hope they would call a manager, and probe a bit as to goals. You might think someone would call a cop, or perform a background check, but this is already assumed since you have a gun permit. It's just a scaling issue; one gun or hundreds? Avoid discussion, be perfectly polite, but provide no hint of why you want the guns. And, again, to keep the pressure on Wal Mart, keep flashing LOTS of cash. See if you can pull it off. Or, on what grounds would they refuse the sale?
Possible variants:
Don't be white, and/or speak with an accent. Perhaps make one up. Perhaps, if multiple buyers are involved, make everyone different. Wear different clothes, such as camo gear, a full sari/sarong or Bushman loincloth with spear (if white), toga, Napoleonic French marshal uniform, or a bear costume.
Rather than avoiding all discussion of why you want all these guns, come up with some answer that is either silly and transparent (well, lot of deer out there! or I needed some nice looking paperweights) or complete nonsequitir (Did you know the brain has thousands of neurons? or Snap! Crackle! Pop!) or vaguely threatening but thoroughly mad (I need them because of all the ants! or Did you know most Mormons have guns? or People keep making fun of me or I don't know, I just get so frustrated when people won't sell me things.... so I'm good to go, right?)
Have a facial tic.
Ask really inane questions about your purchase. How many Joules are produced with each shot? Can this rifle support my truck? Can you eat gunpowder if you are really hungry? Do you have pistols for dogs? No, no, don't be silly, I mean, pistols that dogs can fire? Could this bullet penetrate the codpiece on my plate mail at 300 yards? No? Whew! I'll take it, then.
If you see any Chinese people in your line or nearby lines, ask what they think of Taiwanese nationalism. Regardless of their answer, say that you need good people in your group.
In addition to buying all the guns, also buy out something seemingly irrelevant (eg, not survival gear or copies of Guns and Ammo.) All shampoo. All Teletubbies. All copies of People magazine. All tampons. All romance novels. All yellow toys.
If buying guns with someone else, argue frequently with him in a nonexistant foreign language. Get really angry, then suddenly both start whispering, then nod knowingly.
Laugh whenever they ask why you need the guns. But not a sinister laugh - a joyous, grand belly laugh. If the sale is completed, jump up and down and say, Now we'll see who laughs last!
Size tatters
I am enjoying my first trip back to the States since moving to Germany. I am at the business center in the DoubleTree Berkeley, about 100 feet from the conference I am supposed to be attending. I am in fact attending, just in my own way.
My return has, among other things, underscored the size difference between the two continents. Everything is bigger in America. It ain't just SUVs, freeways, people, national debt, or hegemony of the military industrial complex. Bathrooms are big enough to feature bathtubs, or at least showers large enough that turning around requires no planning. The BART cars are wider than the streetcars in Bremen, which makes much more of a difference than it would seem. Wide chairs, wide aisles where people can walk without bumping into each other or kicking your foot, and armrests between the chairs make the San Fran mass transit system far more comfortable and practical.
Energy flows like sunshine. After washing clothes, you can utilize a remarkable drying machine that takes about 5% as long as putting clothes on a stringer and leaves your clothes looking better. Actually, the sunshine is plentiful too. The weather has been fantastic, warm and sunny. The crisp sea breeze of my home state smells like ambrosia. My coat is packed away and my sunglasses are in my shirt pocket. Normalcy reigns, albeit briefly.
My return has, among other things, underscored the size difference between the two continents. Everything is bigger in America. It ain't just SUVs, freeways, people, national debt, or hegemony of the military industrial complex. Bathrooms are big enough to feature bathtubs, or at least showers large enough that turning around requires no planning. The BART cars are wider than the streetcars in Bremen, which makes much more of a difference than it would seem. Wide chairs, wide aisles where people can walk without bumping into each other or kicking your foot, and armrests between the chairs make the San Fran mass transit system far more comfortable and practical.
Energy flows like sunshine. After washing clothes, you can utilize a remarkable drying machine that takes about 5% as long as putting clothes on a stringer and leaves your clothes looking better. Actually, the sunshine is plentiful too. The weather has been fantastic, warm and sunny. The crisp sea breeze of my home state smells like ambrosia. My coat is packed away and my sunglasses are in my shirt pocket. Normalcy reigns, albeit briefly.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Euroshopping I
Many people view American retail outlets as paragons of impersonal, efficient, gimmicky, cost cutting, customer-screwing capitalism. The Germans have 'em beat. At first I wondered if it was just Extra supermarket, land of Spee, Persil, and other cleaning products, but no.
First, commercial layout. They are good. The entry to the store has a slew of plants for sale, which not only gets sales but looks pretty. Home Depot, by contrast, always hides the pretties part of any megamart - the garden - behind a huge bamboo fence. Once you get past the plants and enter the store, Bam! are the stand-up displays with printed specials. Throughout the ride, the Extra speakers blare annoyingly catchy 'Extra radio' jingles at you with more price specials. The checkstands have the usual point-of-purchase junk: candy, gum, batteries, questionable and very cheap magazines on poor quality newsprint.
Second, gimmickry. The stand-up displays and checkouts include cute 'Discount Games' in which you must collect 20 stickers to get a super special deal. Ooh. I looked at the deals, and they were exactly the same as you would expect from American shlock-hockery. They had a picture of two forks, on a fancy tablecloth next to a fancy white napkin and fancy glass vase with a red rose, that said 'Normal Preis €33' but, with 20 Treuepunkte and only €7,99 Zuzahlung, they were yours. Wow! How do I get these stickers?? Ah, one for each €5 Euro purchase. But then the Discount Game had even more prizes. A butcher knife. Looked to me like a regular butcher knife. But, you see, I am just a myopic blowhard, because in this picture, it was held by a very serious looking chef, with a blinding white coat and very white chef's hat. So, of course it would have been a fantastic deal at 'Normal Preis €44.' Can I buy two? Please? Wait, I have a credit card, how many do you have in the back? Oh no. No. I can't take it. There's more? No. Perhaps I am mistranslating. Hmm. €44. €9,99. €9,99?! No, wait, the numbers are the same in German. (Makes it easy for Sudoku fans.) So it must be true. Can it be? I could get that butcher knife for only €9,99 Zuzahlung plus 20 Extra Treuepunkte? This is brilliant!! Why hasn't this sort of hype spread to America?
Third, you gotta pay a token for each shopping cart. The carts are all locked together, and this is the only way to get one. After people buy groceris and put them in the car, they do not leave them scattered about, or right in the middle of a parking space, or rolling downhill towards the hind end of an SUV enjoying its last few seconds of an unsmirched paint job. They take them back to the line of carts, relock them, and get the token back. Great idea! Now you don't have to employ some 16 year old to go collect the carts all day. Get that started in America. Put the work on the customer, not your employees.
Fourth, you weigh and label your own fruits and veggies. This explains why, the first few times I went to the checkstand and handed the clerk an unlabelled bag of tomatoes, she got pissed off. They have electronic scales in the produce section, where you weigh your green victim, push a button with its name, and get the label. Nice move. Yet the dairy and meat section is similar to America - they pay someone to stand behind a counter, you point to something or say its name, specify a quantity, they get within 10% or so and you say OK. They should work on this. Why not a weigh your own cheese section? Or meats? Save butcher salary and just have a little barn out back? Let customers borrow a shotgun if they buy a big butcher knife for €9,99. Wait, the former uses ammo, and costs money. Just the knife.
Fifth, checkout. No 'paper or plastic.' No, 'Can I help you with your groceries, Ma'am?' You bring your own bag, or buy one at the store. Zero personnel are assigned to bagging and walking out nice old ladies. That's your problem. The stores have self-service checkout, just like in America, but then you get no Treuepunkte coupons. At classic checkout counters, you still have to ask the cashier for the Extra Treuepunkte coupons. I am usually contemptuous when I see other people doing this, since it just makes them seem like pathetic, reflexive suckers. It's such a transparent gimmick. Geez. Oh, you don't want them? Can I have yours? Danke.
Sixth, recycling. No bring in a bag of bottles or cans, and get cash. They have a machine where you put the bottles or cans. It scans, gives a piece of paper redeemable at the checkstand, and then the surprise. I was waiting for the inevitable crush. That's really the only motivation to recycle for me. Fuck the fifteen cents, fuck the environment, I wanna see a moderately sturdy container get loudly demolished. It sets an example to his companions who might also be considering running out of beverage. Yeah, you better deliver next time I'm thirsty, or you're next!
But instead, a secret flap opened up in the back of the machine and the bottle was transported to a big room with more bottles. Now that's disappointing. Boo! What the hell am I doing this for then? And how do I know they really get recycled? What if you just take them in another room, and fill them with water or beer or soda, and sell 'em back the next day? Fucking Krauts.
First, commercial layout. They are good. The entry to the store has a slew of plants for sale, which not only gets sales but looks pretty. Home Depot, by contrast, always hides the pretties part of any megamart - the garden - behind a huge bamboo fence. Once you get past the plants and enter the store, Bam! are the stand-up displays with printed specials. Throughout the ride, the Extra speakers blare annoyingly catchy 'Extra radio' jingles at you with more price specials. The checkstands have the usual point-of-purchase junk: candy, gum, batteries, questionable and very cheap magazines on poor quality newsprint.
Second, gimmickry. The stand-up displays and checkouts include cute 'Discount Games' in which you must collect 20 stickers to get a super special deal. Ooh. I looked at the deals, and they were exactly the same as you would expect from American shlock-hockery. They had a picture of two forks, on a fancy tablecloth next to a fancy white napkin and fancy glass vase with a red rose, that said 'Normal Preis €33' but, with 20 Treuepunkte and only €7,99 Zuzahlung, they were yours. Wow! How do I get these stickers?? Ah, one for each €5 Euro purchase. But then the Discount Game had even more prizes. A butcher knife. Looked to me like a regular butcher knife. But, you see, I am just a myopic blowhard, because in this picture, it was held by a very serious looking chef, with a blinding white coat and very white chef's hat. So, of course it would have been a fantastic deal at 'Normal Preis €44.' Can I buy two? Please? Wait, I have a credit card, how many do you have in the back? Oh no. No. I can't take it. There's more? No. Perhaps I am mistranslating. Hmm. €44. €9,99. €9,99?! No, wait, the numbers are the same in German. (Makes it easy for Sudoku fans.) So it must be true. Can it be? I could get that butcher knife for only €9,99 Zuzahlung plus 20 Extra Treuepunkte? This is brilliant!! Why hasn't this sort of hype spread to America?
Third, you gotta pay a token for each shopping cart. The carts are all locked together, and this is the only way to get one. After people buy groceris and put them in the car, they do not leave them scattered about, or right in the middle of a parking space, or rolling downhill towards the hind end of an SUV enjoying its last few seconds of an unsmirched paint job. They take them back to the line of carts, relock them, and get the token back. Great idea! Now you don't have to employ some 16 year old to go collect the carts all day. Get that started in America. Put the work on the customer, not your employees.
Fourth, you weigh and label your own fruits and veggies. This explains why, the first few times I went to the checkstand and handed the clerk an unlabelled bag of tomatoes, she got pissed off. They have electronic scales in the produce section, where you weigh your green victim, push a button with its name, and get the label. Nice move. Yet the dairy and meat section is similar to America - they pay someone to stand behind a counter, you point to something or say its name, specify a quantity, they get within 10% or so and you say OK. They should work on this. Why not a weigh your own cheese section? Or meats? Save butcher salary and just have a little barn out back? Let customers borrow a shotgun if they buy a big butcher knife for €9,99. Wait, the former uses ammo, and costs money. Just the knife.
Fifth, checkout. No 'paper or plastic.' No, 'Can I help you with your groceries, Ma'am?' You bring your own bag, or buy one at the store. Zero personnel are assigned to bagging and walking out nice old ladies. That's your problem. The stores have self-service checkout, just like in America, but then you get no Treuepunkte coupons. At classic checkout counters, you still have to ask the cashier for the Extra Treuepunkte coupons. I am usually contemptuous when I see other people doing this, since it just makes them seem like pathetic, reflexive suckers. It's such a transparent gimmick. Geez. Oh, you don't want them? Can I have yours? Danke.
Sixth, recycling. No bring in a bag of bottles or cans, and get cash. They have a machine where you put the bottles or cans. It scans, gives a piece of paper redeemable at the checkstand, and then the surprise. I was waiting for the inevitable crush. That's really the only motivation to recycle for me. Fuck the fifteen cents, fuck the environment, I wanna see a moderately sturdy container get loudly demolished. It sets an example to his companions who might also be considering running out of beverage. Yeah, you better deliver next time I'm thirsty, or you're next!
But instead, a secret flap opened up in the back of the machine and the bottle was transported to a big room with more bottles. Now that's disappointing. Boo! What the hell am I doing this for then? And how do I know they really get recycled? What if you just take them in another room, and fill them with water or beer or soda, and sell 'em back the next day? Fucking Krauts.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
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