Saturday, September 14, 2013

Obama: Bomb Styria!!

It looks like the US is not going to bomb Styria. Mr. President, I am in Styria, risking my life to explore some of your faulty intelligence. Yes, I remember, you have to pretend you didn't personally ask me to come scout here, but we both know.

Here is what I learned:

1) I confirmed their chemical weapons stockpiles. They are truly horrific. I just got back from a public plaza called "Hauptplatz" where well over 1400 people were afflicted with some wicked concoction that dramatically affects the central nervous system, causing motor deficits, confusion, vomiting, headache, and the illusion of wit. They call it schilcher Sturm. The unleashed it on innocent civilians, many as young as 16 (or so their fake IDs say).

2) They do too have oil!!! They deny it. But it's called kuerbiskernoil. They seem to have it on the scale of trillions of barrels, and consume it casually. This alone justifies bombing them.

3) The media says the Turks will support an attack. I think your geography is a bit off, Mr. President; there are a few countries between here and Turkei. But they have established many bases here called "Doener kebab stands." Many Turks speak the local language and are resentful of perceived racism. They have already begun distributing their low-grade chemical weapons to the civilians. These weapons, called "Iskender Kebabs," cause lethargy, high cholesterol, and severe gastrointestinal distress. 

4) They are racist against black people!! Their streetcars have signs that warn that Schwartzfahren, or "black travelling," is illegal. I asked if the rule applies to people who are half-black, thinking of course of you, sir, my president. Nobody knows. To be safe, if you ride any streetcars here, you should maybe put your legs and an arm out the window, ensuring that at most half of you is inside the streetcar at any time. 

5) They are meddling in our internal affairs. They established a museum to some local guy who became the governor of California. His last name translates as "black plowman." I guess he is not allowed to ride the local streetcars either. Actually, he doesn't look very black. Liar!

6) I saw no evidence of any serious air defenses. Besides, we have Tomahawks and they don't. 

7) We would get them by surprise. I am pretty sure they are not expecting an attack from the US. They seem totally unprepared for any naval attack and don't even worry about their navy. This might have something to do with the size of their coastline. And if they say it is not nice to sneak attack people, remind them that about 75 years ago, they [CENSORED]

8) I'm not a legal expert but I think that Styria cannot invoke article 5 of NATO since Styria is not technically a country in NATO. 

9) Some citizens are eager to rebel. The whole region of Styria (which they call Steiermark) used to be owned by Steyr, which is about 2 hours north of here (or five by train). They are all marked men.

10) It would really distract people from that whole NSA - Prism thing. 

In summary, Mr. President, most of your intelligence about Styria is wrong. It is almost like you are thinking of a totally different part of the world. Please Kerry on with your war hawkery. Better yet, the locals seem to be in the middle of an election. Maybe you could sneak in some of our boys and take Styria without bloodshed. I think the ex-governor of California is available and he speaks the local language (with a very bad accent). I don't think he would win, but maybe you send him to terminate some other candidates, or just disguise him as a small old woman with glasses. 

I want a medal for this, Mr. President. 

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