Saturday, May 16, 2015

Tsipras, Varoufakis claim agreement with St. Peter imminent

Alexis Tsipras and Yanis Varofakis, both recently deceased, insist they are "very close" to an agreement with St. Peter regarding their eternal souls. "The other side seems to expect that we will give in on our 'red lines' about following commandments, such as honoring the Lord our God. Of course we are sovereign and we don't need outside input on these decisions. We also expect reparations for their extensive history of genocide. We will rally the people of Europe against the injustices of the other side."

St. Peter was not available for comment.


Saturday, April 18, 2015

Greece sues Russia for war reparations, demands free pipeline

Greece filed a lawsuit against Russia today, claiming that Russia should provide a free pipeline through Greece and five billion euros as reparations for the Cold War. "This was one of the longest wars in modern history. The Greek economy was shattered for decades by diminished trade opportunities, increased border patrols with the Balkans, and being forced to contribute to NATO, just as we are currently being forced to contribute to the austerity measures. These reparations will finally bring healing and closure, although we do not necessarily rule out further reparation requests. We must take all measures to keep the euro together."

This announcement was accompanied by numerous other reparation demands. As of press time, Athens has issued orders demanding reparations from the Trojans, Cypriots, Olympians, Persians, Egyptians, Afghans, Indians, Spartans, Jerusalemites, Gauls, Sicilians, Macedonians, Carthaginians, Goths, Byzantines, Moors, and overlapping cases against Turkey.

Replies to these demands have been mixed. The Gauls (France) surrendered. Sparta, located in modern Greece, stated that payment would be available after an upcoming bailout, and that the euro can't survive without Greece. The Egyptian government replied that they would pay no reparations, and that "Alexandria" had been renamed "FuckAlexandertheHeathen" in English.