Alexis Tsipras and Yanis Varofakis, both recently deceased, insist they are "very close" to an agreement with St. Peter regarding their eternal souls. "The other side seems to expect that we will give in on our 'red lines' about following commandments, such as honoring the Lord our God. Of course we are sovereign and we don't need outside input on these decisions. We also expect reparations for their extensive history of genocide. We will rally the people of Europe against the injustices of the other side."
St. Peter was not available for comment.