Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Ring in the New Year

Recent years have seen a dramatic rise in sales of "promise rings," also called "pre-engagement rings". These rings, based loosely on the Irish Claddagh ring, reflect a couple's commitment to become engaged at some point. Engagement still means that the couple intends to get married.

Backtracking, how would couples convey their interest in a possible future promise ring? Hence, Zales has recently introduced the "pre-promise ring". This ring reflects that couples are considering committing to a promise ring, but are not yet ready for the big step of saying that they commit to later commit to later get married.

Extensive research has indicated various romantic stages that may build up to the pre-promise ring. Howard Jewelers and Hallmark have introduced the "Hoo-woo-oo-oo" ring, based on Eddie Murphy's observation that a critical relationship development is eliciting that sound from your woman.

Kay Jewelers, capitalizing on their "Every Kiss begins with Kay" slogan, has introduced the "First Kiss" ring. This ring shall be expected by any respectable lady before she first kisses any gentleman. This provides a preliminary indicator of his value and willingness to sacrifice for her. As usual, the two months' salary guide is recommended when pondering the ring's value.

Jared Diamond has countered with their new slogan, "Every Job begins with J". This conveys a successful hand or blow job. This ring would presumably occur after the K ring, at least in dignified couples. Particularly hopeful gentlemen may wish to consider bringing a K ring and J ring on the first date; however, the J ring should be kept hidden at first.

Tiffany has introduced the "Tiff ring". This ring conveys that the burgeoning couple has survived their first tiff. The timing of this ring, relative to the three preceding rings, says everything.

What of the well-established "Purity ring", reflecting that a woman commits to remain pure until marriage? This is still required, and should be placed on a baby at birth. New rings must be purchased as needed as the child grows. All such rings include a thin membrane that is designed to be savagely punctured by the Hoo-woo-oo-oo ring.

New genetic engineering research has inspired titllating adumbrations of the "F-ring". Contrary to vulgar assumptions, this refers to the "Finger ring". Contrary to vulgar assumptions, this has nothing to do with the verb form of "finger", but reflects a man's commitment to pay for his wife to get additional fingers to host more rings.

Sales have been poor for the "Divorce promise ring". This ring is meant to convey that the couple commits to get divorced sometime. The poor Zales have been blamed on legal ramifications, and the husband's unwillingness to spend two months' salary on such a ring.

Sales have been even worse for the Mosaica Masturbation ring. This ring, often confused with the Purity ring, conveys the owner's decision to remain solo for an unspecified time. Market analysts have concluded that, like the Divorce promise ring, a critical concern is buyers' low motivation. Emerging efforts have focused on encouraging people to buy these rings for themselves, reflecting eagerness to get an alternate ring, with sales much higher among women.

An unfortunate number of people continue to rely on the notorious "I-ring", or Invisible Ring. This ring generates no revenue and reflects that a couple is sufficiently comfortable with their communication and commitment that extensive rings or other baubles are unnecessary. Strong efforts to vilify such ringbearers by the diamond and card industries have been largely successful, but have not caught on with certain demographics, such as amputees, low-maintenance women, prisoners, the homeless, and the hopeless. Further market research will hopefully identify opportunities to eliminate such subversive elements and their possible threat to capitalist society.

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