Star-stuck

Munich airport is now branding itself as a five-star airport. This is brilliant! It seems an entity called Skytrax emerged to provide airport ratings. What makes a five-star airport?

--Urinal art: A quick search on my blog will reveal my enthusiasm for urinal flies. After all these years, I still never managed to dislodge one. My life is incomplete. Hard to believe their little foot-suction-cups can withstand the full might of a fully operational Death Star.

Now, they've advanced to little candles. The flame is right on the aiming point, but try as I might, it won't budge. Must have napalm or something in there. 

Why not LEDs? You're German. You're good engineers. You don't pee standing up, but you can imagine. Put a color-changing LED that responds to pressure or hydration. 

--Drinks: They used to have machines all over with free coffee and tea. Unsurprisingly, the urinal flies conspired against such a boon, and now it costs 2 euros. 

--Free newspapers: Yes, the international terminals still have a decent variety of free newspapers.

I’m guessing Beijing will declare itself a seven-star airport just to two-up the Americans, like they did with their hotel for the Olympics. I'm eager to see how they justify a seven-star airport, as they inevitably will. Personal servants in the restrooms?

I hereby define an infinity star airport, hotel, or anything else as one that requires me. The seven-star hotels provide a personal servant for each room. I bet the servant can cook and clean for you better than I can, especially because I am allowed to tell customers to go fuck themselves if they ask me. In fact, I want two personal servants. 

Can the personal servant put a BCI on your head? Probably not. Provide interesting and intellectual conversation? Maybe. But it doesn't matter. Besides, I don't commit to any of these things, or to even be in the same country. It's just my name. You must hire me, or someone I designate, or you can't call it an infinity star anything. 

I am now an infinity-star BCI expert. I am the only one, now and forever. Gerv can be infinity minus one if he asks nicely.