Travelers often comment on local nature, people, buildings, culture, dining and drinking, and worse. But those last two travel activities inevitably inspire a tour of the toilet, journey to the john, pilgrimage to the pisser, outing to the outhouse. Prior posts have commented on the migration of urinal flies (excluding to China), Atlantan Urine Detection Devices, and silly toilet signs. While looking up those four links I realized I have many other posts on bathroom banality and should move on to something more mature.
Instead, here's a bathroom sign in Argentina. Like the German toilet signs, they add pictures so tourists and illiterates have no excuse. We learn that men are expected to pee standing up, like most men in... well, men, period. Except native German speakers. However, the icon of a man (?) missing the toilet also implies a few things about why (male) urine is often found on or around toilets instead of in them.
First, my weightlifting adventures never focused on muscles to pee further. The picture below implies I'm nonetheless way ahead of the curve. This poor guy is dribbling just in front of him. Notice the weird body position with his wee weenie pushed forward so he doesn't wet his own feet. I couldn't piss that weakly if I tried. Yes I can write my name in the snow - men take great pride in that essential contribution to humanity - and this loser could at best piddle a puddle. I suppose he could paint an icon that resembles a sun, lemon, or yellow face emoji devoid of detail. And his range is so weak that he'd soon melt the snow under his feet.
Second, why not just stand closer to the toilet?
Third, notice the puddle forming while he continues leaking. How long are you going to keep pissing in front of the toilet?
Fourth, you might want to see a doctor about that.
Fifth, the guy's left hand seems to be hiding his weak wanker. I would too if it were that feeble. This is in stark contrast to the Germans. As mentioned, men are expected to pee sitting down, which explains so much about the Germans. But they aren't remotely subtle about the desired dingus direction. Either that or Gallant on the right is shitting a pistol or a pointing hand. I also appreciate that he wears his cap properly, while the guy on the left wears it backward to emphasize he's a bad boy. The Goofus on the left also doesn't seem to have any hands, in stark contract to the Argentine equivalent above.
I read Highlights for Children. I tried to be Gallant like a good boy. But they never taught me about peeing propriety. Shame on them, and America! I created this helpful illustration to teach English speakers how to pee German style:
The German influence in Argentina has unfortunately spread to toilets as well. Many Argentine toilets use the Flachspüler or "flat flush" approach:
My old boss John Polich commented that it looks like they're serving it to you. Indeed, this toilet design is ideal if you:
- Wanna eat shit;
- Enjoyed that last schnitzel so much you'd like to reminisce with it;
- Keep eating valuables;
- Don't want to pay for fertilizer;
- Can't find your contact lenses;
- Were deeply traumatized by splash-back;
- Own a company that makes toilet brushes;
- Ran out of shelf space;
- Hate whoever cleans the toilet;
- Love the smell of napalm (and poop) in the morning. Smells like victory overeating;
- Analyze poop for a living like the scientist in The Gods Must be Crazy or the king's scatologist in The Madness of King George;
- Were told: "You think your shit doesn't stink" and want to double-check (every time);
- Want to relive your primate roots through poo-flinging;
- Plan to trick your very drunk friend into thinking it's rinder-roulade;
- Love probiotics and thus want to reconnect with the bacteria that dominate daily dumps;
- Misunderstood The Martian and think you need poo to grow potatoes on Earth;
- Are named Gerwin Schalk, Christoph Guger, or over 90 million other native Germanspeakers.
Robert Duvall loves the smell so much he just squats publicly.
No comments:
Post a Comment