Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Pablo El Pulpo

I want it noted that I sided with Paul the Octopus in his upset prediction that Spain will beat Germany BEFORE the game began. I even put money on it, thereby beating a native German speaker who (sorry to be redundant) must be obsessed with soccer. Actually, he never talks about it, or plays it, or wears soccer clothes, or wears shin guards to work. But Europeans love soccer, and indeed I can hear some exceptionally huge speakers and a really big crowd from my office here, even though the closest place where such a crowd could gather is about 1 km away. They're really into it.

The decision to support Paul was not based on any sincere belief that the octopus is, in fact, psychic. Come on. I am a scientist. A brain scientist, no less. I based it on simple psychoanalysis of the octopus. Everyone knows that the Spaniards eat odd squiggly seafood, including a lot of pulpo. And the octopus has an owner that says he has nine brains, which is seven more than even Steve Martin ever managed. Therefore, octopuses must be several times smarter than humans. A human might throw the game to Germany out of annoyance at all his eaten relatives. And even more pathetically, seeing all the little baby octopi struggling around the Thanksgiving table, trying to hold the requisite 8 utensils when some of their tentacles have been cut off by bastardly Barcelonans. Poor little squidlies, to young to even squirt some defensive ink, forever detenticated. It makes me mad, and I'm not even the same species. But Paul, being smarter and wiser, realized that throwing the game to Spain would make millions of Spaniards feel extremely guilty.

Or, it should. I mean, be reasonable, you ingrates! You love soccer, you think it's the golden age of Barcelona soccer, and you STILL EAT OCTOPUS? You're really tempting fate.

I predict the upcoming end of the Spanish soccer supremacy. They may have some fun for a while, but that's it. You guys ate one pulpo de gallega too many. You, specifically, Bill Tortora. It is your fault. Also, the Spanish economy will not do so well in the near future. And lots of immigration problems from Africa. All because you bit the tentacle that feeds.

1 comment:

David said...

Octopuses AND octopi? Not only is your pluralization wrong but it's not consistent. That's Paul and the Octopods, mister!